Habanero

 

”Nej nej!”, skriker storebror till lillasyster. ”Inte inte! Det är STARKT för bebisar!
Rösten fylld av förskräckelse. Storebror är fyra år gammal. ”Bebisen” är två och ett halvt. Han blev en stor pojke innan han ens var två, hon kommer att vara söndergullad ett helt liv. Och nu sitter hon med locket till en tacosåsburk i handen. Habanerosåsen, den där som bränner i munnen så att mina ögon tåras. Och på locket sitter intorkade rester av såsen kvar. Hennes tunga är utsträckt, redo att slicka. 

Bebisen ler. Hon fixerar oss med blicken, förvissar sig om att vi båda ser på. Det glimmar i de blå ögonen. Så lutar hon sig fram och slickar på locket. Sakta. Njutningsfullt.
”Gott”, säger hon, med eftertryck men utan att röra en min. ”MM så jättejättegott.”

För hon är en sådan sort, min habanerobebis. 
Den sorten som kräver starka smaker, starka åsikter, ett starkt och stadigt travande genom livet. 
Hon tuggar på en rå gul lök med samma förtjusning som andra smaskar på ett äpple. (Trots storebrors förundrade anmärkning – ”Vaa? En bebis som äter LÖK?”). 

En sådan som svarar på varje fråga hon hör, oavsett om den är ställd till henne eller ej. Om storasyster frågar om hon får gå till en kompis är det habanerobebisen som bestämt säger nej. Om jag frågar min man om han kan ta barnen så jag kan gå iväg och skriva är det habanerobebisen som svarar att det går naturligtvis inte alls.
 

En sort som rusar framåt genom världen utan fruktan. Som springer ifrån mig i lekparken. Många långa meter innan hon vänder sig om och ger mig en hastig blick. Det ljusa håret som ett yrväder kring huvudet, det glittrar i solnedgången. Hon skrattar mot mig, hon vinkar avmätt, som en kunglighet mot pöbeln.
Och insikten som kommer hugger i bröstet, rycker i hjärtat, pulserar under huden: snart behöver hon mig inte mer.

Mitt minsta lilla barn, min habanerobebis. Som blir mer habanero och mindre och mindre bebis.
Hon behöver mig redan så mycket mindre än förr.

Och här står jag, mitt i vårkvällen, med alla känslor samtidigt. Bland doften av torrt gräs och grillrök, i jackan som börjar bli för tunn när solen viker undan, med dessa Ålandsvindar som drar genom mitt hår.

Jag, som är av en annan sort. Som tycker att till och med vanlig minttandkräm är för stark. Som inte travar bredbent genom livet, jag som mer krumbuktar mig fram. Snurrar och smyger.
Här står jag med min längtan och min kärlek och min nostalgi och mina drömmar och min oro och mina förhoppningar och mina minnen av alla mina barn och hur de bodde i min mage och hur de låg vid mitt bröst och hur de lekte med fingrarna i mitt hår när de skulle somna om kvällarna.
Och ser henne springa ifrån mig.

Tills hon plötsligt vänder.
Upp i min famn, händerna över mitt ansikte, blöta pussar över mina kinder, och den där rösten, så ljus och så bestämd.
”Kom nu mamma. Dags att gå hem. Äta tacos.”
Så då går vi hem. Jag plockar fram habanerosåsen. Jag skär upp en rå lök. Jag har henne i min famn. Jag snusar på hennes hår.
Och ännu är hon min.

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39 kommentarer

  1. Feeeett fin text!!

  2. Du <3 Så rakt in under huden.

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