Nettelblad

skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.

ta det inte som en utmaning

 

”Du får inte ta det här som en utmaning nu”, säger hon. ”Men jag tror inte att du kan sluta skriva.”
Hon tar en klunk av sin öl. Doppar en sötpotatispommesfrites i tryffelmajonäsen.
Jag tänker att hennes hår är så fint. Varje gång vi träffas blir det så, först. Att jag tänker på henne som om vi fortfarande var typ tio år.

 

Kanske har ingen (utom mamma och pappa) kunnat mig så utan och innan under så lång tid som hon.
Och ingen (utom mamma och pappa) följt mitt skrivande under så lång tid som hon.
Och ingen (utom ovanstående) skrattat så hjärtligt igenkännande åt det min fröken på dagis sa om mig på ett utvecklingssamtal en gång: Sätter man Ulrika i bäcken så flyter hon motströms.

 

Hettan drar in genom dörren till restaurangen. Ljummen luft som doftar förväntan. Jag är i Uppsala bara en kväll och en dag. På en kurs. Stan är fylld av minnen. Det blir så med en plats där man tillbringat ändlösa tonårstimmar men aldrig levt som en vuxen människa. 
Jag har sällan åkt hem, fick så många barn så tidigt i livet. Det blev enklare att få besök än att åka hem.

 

Jag vill inte hålla på med nåt som inte blir nåt.”
Såklart att du inte vill”, säger hon.
Hon biter av en pommes frite och jag tänker: varför har jag aldrig sett sådär världsvan ut när jag äter.
Jag skulle ju ändå klottra ned grejer i mariginalen. Skriva bloggen. Jag skulle inte sluta helt.”
Klart du inte skulle.”
Jag vill bara få göra nåt slags offentligt uttalande, ja inte för att nån över huvud taget bryr sig, men du vet. Att jag inte skriver skönlitterärt längre. Att jag inte har några ambitioner att göra det mer. Så ingen tror att jag försöker. Med nåt som inte blir nåt”
Och hon ser upp på mig. Ser igenom mig. Och ler.
Det är klart att du vill.”

 

Det är ett negativt besked från ett förlag. Det är tröttheten efter läggningar när barnen aldrig somnar. Det är doften av syrener i fuktig hetta, smaken av pistageglass, iskallt hav kring avklädd hud, det är tanken att all denna världens ljuvlighet borde vara tillräcklig.
A
tt nu borde jag nöja mig.
Att kanske missar jag all denna ljuvlighet om jag inte nöjer mig.

 

Jag trodde hon skulle säga att det här är ett klokt beslut.
Och istället sitter hon här och säger att säkert är det genomtänkt, men det spelar ingen roll.
Jag kommer ändå inte klara att låta bli.

 

När jag kommer tillbaka till hotellrummet börjar jag skriva på det där blogginlägget.
Det som skulle handla om att inte skriva fiktiva berättelser mer. Det där inlägget som inte skulle spela roll för någon annan, men som skulle innebära ett avgörande ögonblick för mig.
Men jag hittar inte orden.

 

Jag går fram till panoramafönstret. Drar undan gardinerna. Utsikt över centralstationen. Långt där nere ser jag människorna stiga av och på tågen, jag ser dem kyssas och gråta och skynda och strosa och över allting faller solnedgångens sista värmande gyllene sken.
Och jag blir stående och betraktar dem. Människorna. Deras rörelser. Deras liv.
Medan mina tankar, obönhörligt, börjar väva samman berättelser.

 

 

 

 

Mer om att skriva:

Mina bästa inlägg om skrivande

Föregående

Lilla Gubben

Nästa

Vykort från Åland. Juni 2018

31 kommentarer

  1. Jag känner igen mig i det här så mycket. Ibland tänker jag att jag skulle vilja att någon annan kunde ge mig tillåtelse att sluta, och det känns lite som att det är det du letar efter också. Men jag tror att det är som hon säger, jag tror inte att du kan sluta. Liksom jag inte kan sluta. Så sluta inte. Fortsätt bara. Du har antagligen aldrig varit så nära som du är precis just nu. Plötsligt händer det.

    • Ja, EXAKT så. man vill bara att någon ska säga "Du har gjort tillräckligt, nu kan du släppa det."Men det funkar ju inte riktigt så.
      tack för dina ord <3

  2. Verkligen fint fångat! Jag förstår hur du menar. Ibland känns det verkligen som att mitt skrivbehov håller mig som gisslan.

    • Som gisslan, precis så! Man vill bara få klippa banden och slå sig fri från den här viljan. Så fint med någon som förstår – det kan vara svårt för den som inte har skrivlängtan att kunna relatera, tänker jag.

  3. Måste bara säga att jag just hittat din blogg via skrivgärisgruppen och jag är så himla starstruck av ditt skrivande. Du har så himla många fina formuleringar och målande beskrivningar att jag blir alldeles häpen. Så sluta inte försöka <3

    Men jag känner igen känslan, fast jag har knappt ens vågat ge mig själv utrymme att försöka tidigare.

  4. Wow, det här var ju så fint att läsa – så levande.
    sv: TACK snälla för din kommentar, jag blev så glad.

  5. Nu ramlade jag hit alldeles av en slump, för att du som hag hade lämnat en kommentar hos Wilda. Och jag känner på ett ögonblick hur jag fastnar och vill stanna kvar. Vilken poesi ditt språk besitter och vilken udd! Alltså åh vilken fin bekantskap att göra en helt vanlig söndagsmorgon!

  6. ååå så fint skrivet. skriver mycket om skrivande och om hur det är så svårt, att jag inte kan skriva. men ändå så skriver jag så jag förstår inte vad som händer. men vad fint, att skriva kan vara på alla sätt eller ingenting.

  7. jag blir så inspirerad av att läsa dina texter! är också en som inte kan sluta skriva, men har gjort det ändå eftersom jag har fyllt mitt liv med allt för mycket annat. och jag mår så dåligt av att inte skriva, det är för mycket som inte får komma ut eller röra sig.

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