Jag har köpt mig den här tiden, ändå tvivlar jag på att den är min.
Genom sena kvällar på akuten har jag köpt mig den här tiden.
Genom att ta ut jourtid och övertid i just tid istället för pengar har jag köpt den här tiden.
Genom att prioritera bort – vänner jag inte träffar, mat jag inte lagar, teveserier jag aldrig ser – har jag köpt mig den här tiden.
Och ändå undrar jag: är den verkligen min att använda.
Totalt har jag fyra veckor ren skrivtid. Två i september, två i oktober, däremellan en veckas kurs i Uppsala, obligatorisk för det jag tänker på som mitt andra jobb. Som mugglarpremiärministern tänker på trollkarlspremiärministern i den sjätte Harry Potter-boken: den andra ministern.
Läkarjobbet, alltså. Jag respekterar det så mycket, men mitt i alla ord, i dagar och timmar av ord, känns det avlägset, som något som hände för mycket länge sedan.
Det kommer att kännas riktigt nog när det kör igång igen, det är jag övertygad om.
Jag skriver på en roman om dagarna och jag skriver den såhär: jag sätter mig vid datorn. Jag slår på en timer på tjugofem minuter. Jag skriver på min bok. Jag tar fem minuters paus. Jag skriver igen. Jag tar fem minuters paus. Jag skriver på min bok, jag känner mig trött i huvudet, jag tar femton minuters paus.
Sedan börjar jag om igen.
Vissa dagar börjar jag med att skriva en krönika. Någon dag lagar jag mat mitt på dagen, andra dagar äter jag rester. Ibland går jag ned till biblioteket för att skriva, sitter vid något av borden vid fönstret och ser på det oroliga havet därutanför medan orden flödar tills timern larmar. (Jag har den på datorn och jag har hörlurar, ingen behöver störas av ljudet).
Ibland sitter jag på café. Men tiderna, fokuset, upprepningen – alltid detsamma.
Inom ramen för detta monotona malande rymmer sig hela världar.
En vecka kan kännas som ett år. Genom min text har jag hunnit resa genom så många händelser mellan en måndag och en fredag.
Jag har köpt mig tiden, och ändå finns det i bakhuvudet att jag borde använt den annorlunda.
Måste det inte, undrar den där näsvisa rösten, måste det inte finnas mer prioriterade saker att använda sin tid till?
Den kommer med exempel. Om städning och barn, om böcker att läsa för läkaryrkets räkning, om bekantskaper som borde upprätthållas.
Ju längre in i mitt skrivande jag kommer, desto mindre lyssnar jag på den rösten.
Ju äldre jag har blivit, desto mindre lyssnar jag på den rösten.
Det finns en befrielse i att mogna, att börja respektera sina beslut och sina behov.
Jag vet ju att jag redan har försökt att sluta med det här. Det gick inte.
Då får jag väl anta att det är viktigt för mig.
Då får jag väl låta det fortgå.
Hör du det, näsvisa rösten.
Och de här dagarna, den här tiden – hur jag behöver dem.
För små saker.
Som att jag brukade behöva ha en podcast eller ljudbok att lyssna på i alla stunder jag kunde bli ensam med mina snurrande tankar. Inte för att jag var orolig, egentligen – men hjärnan kunde tänka så många virriga tankar så snabbt om den lämnades ensam. Hastigt kunde jag jaga upp mig över små vardagssaker som inte var någon verklig fara.
Nu går jag ofta i tystnad. Hjärnan fantiserar fram nästa del av min bok. Jag är lugn.
För det att jag blir mer observant på omgivningen när jag är mitt i en skrivprocess. Att jag bottnar i dagarnas små detaljer. De gulnande löven, en gråmulen himmel, doften av fuktig jord. Ljudet av teskedar mot kaffekoppar en eftermiddag på café. Den skarpa smaken av minttuggummina jag tuggar medan jag funderar på nästa mening. Mustigt svart kaffe.
För den här lättade lyckan. När orden har fått forsa ur en.
Samma lättade lycka som om man varit riktigt nödig och sen får kissa. Den totala avslappningen.
Och kanske den roade genansen: att man är så mycket människa, bara, att man är en sådan slav under sina behov.
För det stora, hela: att det här är vad jag verkligen vill göra.
Att jag inte vill sitta en dag och säga: jag hade en dröm en gång. Och en fin chans att uppfylla den. Men sedan var det något i mig som sa: ska du inte göra något riktigt istället. Det måste väl finnas förnuftigare sysselsättningar.
Det här är min tid, jag har betalat för den.
Och nu är tjugofem minuter slut.
29 Comments
Så vackert skrivet, som alltid. Fint att du fått allt lättare att avvisa den näsvisa rösten. Om den varit en verklig person, så hade jag sagt till dig att den bara är avundsjuk. Fortsätt att skriva och njuta av processen!
Tycker du skriver otroligt vackert! Du har verkligen en gåva 🙂 Glad att jag ramlade över texten en insomnianatt och fick läsa något så fint
tusen tack <3 och sov gott en annan gång! sömnlösa nätter kan vara som en egen värld
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