skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.

Helsingforshistorier, del 1: Happy place

Mitt happy place är i hytten på en Finlandsfärja. Ni vet, om man mediterar. Man skaffar sig en plats i sin fantasi dit man kommer för att få lugn och ro. Så kan man meditera att man är där och på så sätt kan man meditera sig lycklig.
Blondinbella brukade ha ett rum med vita lädersoffor, högst upp i en skyskrapa. Jag låtsas att jag ligger i överslafen på en färjehytt. Det dova brummandet av motorerna. Lakan som doftar opersonligt rent. Havet som vaggar mig. Ingen täckning på mobilen, ett WiFi som jag aldrig aktiverar.
Jag behövde lite happy, jag behövde några dagar på ett annat place. Det blev jag och en vän och hennes barn och ett av mina. En hytt ombord färjan till Helsingfors. Och som alltid i rörelse började jag tänka större och friare tankar, som alltid i rörelse var det självklarare än någonsin att skriva ned dem.
Så jag låg där i överslafen, en måndagsnatt i juli, jag var exakt tjugofem år och sju månader gammal. Jag stirrade i taket och försökte fånga en tanke i taget.
Lyssnade till de sömntunga andetagen från en treåring, utslagen och nöjd efter att ha provat hyttelefonen, försökt städa toaletten med hjälp av bidén och tittat på bilder av färjans olika drinkar som kvällslektyr. Lyssnade till min väns bebis som inte ville sova.
Tänkte på alla platser som jag upplevt genom att vandra med en unge på kroppen. I sele, i sjal, i famn. På magen och på ryggen. Att vara nitton, tjugo, tjugoett, tjugotvå, tjugotre, tjugofyra och alla gånger ha en unge under ett års ålder. Fram och tillbaka genom tågvagnar och upp och ned för båttrappor och runt runt runt i den där hyreslägenheten vi bodde i en gång i tiden, den som var som gjord för att röra sig i cirklar.
Hur ungar kan bli som en rytm i blodet, en vaggande gungning i rörelserna. Hur de sätter sig på kroppen som en andra kropp.
Jag tänker på hur vi har börjat röra oss in i en annan tid av livet. 
Fortfarande föräldrar, men en annan sorts. Barn som är sex, fyra, tre. Sakta börjar man göra andra saker. Köpa en fin säng, den sorten vuxna människor sover i tillsammans utan barn. Ha krukväxter på barnhöjd.
Inte ha näsan precis över vattenytan, ibland lyfta upp hela huvudet, blicka ut och se öppet hav. 
Tänker att kanske kommer jag aldrig igen att ha ett så litet liv så tätt inpå mig.
Tänker att kanske vaknar jag upp en dag och inser att jag måste ha, lite mer. Att jag bara måste få göra allt det där igen.
Tänker: än finns det tid, än finns det rum. Just nu måste jag inte veta. Just nu måste jag inte göra någonting särskilt alls.
För just nu är jag ju här.
Här är ju mitt happy place.




Ögonblick i juli

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