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Helsingforshistorier, del 3: Vilsenheten

 
 
Jag undrar om det är lättare att dölja en känsla av tomhetsjakt och meningslöshet om man bor i en storstad, tänker jag när jag går vilse på ett K-market någonstans i Helsingfors.
När det känns som om hyllorna aldrig tar slut.

K-market är som en finsk motsvarighet till ICA, fast fulare, för alla finska matbutiker är fulare. Det sägs ju att det finns ett särskilt varv som alla handlare planerar matbutiker utifrån för att man ska gå på det mest lönsamma sättet – mjölken längst in så man måste passera alla varor i butiken, godiset vid kassorna. Men jag undrar om finska matbutiker följer det. Plötsligt hittar man bara lastpallar med extraprisvaror mitt i en gång, eller långa hyllor med ost där intuitionen säger att det borde finnas barnmat.

Och det är väl därför jag inte hittar tillbaka, när jag ska gå till min vän och barnen igen efter att rusat tillbaka till frukten och tagit några bananer. Fastnar vid långa rader av ost. Hur kan det finnas så många sorters ost?
 
 
Det känns som fusk.
Lättnaden jag känner, i insikten, mitt här, vilse under lysrören och bland cheddar och chilicheddar och härifrån och därifrån och alla andra tusen sorters ost.
Det här borde ha varit mitt liv. Att vandra runt, runt, runt bland olika varor och försöka förstå vad meningen med alltihop var. Det känns som om jag hade tur, gled av stigen, och undvek en tillvaro som inte var gjord för mig men som hade varit den logiska konsekvensen av bakgrund, umgänge, tidsanda.
 
Att leva på en plats där ingenting någonsin tar slut:
osthyllorna
de möjliga relationerna till andra människor
där nätterna aldrig, dagarna aldrig, transportsträckorna mellan kickarna och kickarna i sig
aldrig
tar 
slut.
 
Men där utbudets oändlighet skulle skapat en känsla av meningslöshet för mig,
en känsla av att vad spelar någonting för roll,
om det ändå alltid kan komma något nytt.
 
Min vän finns vid barnmaten. Jag lyckas hitta dit genom att passera ett oändlighetsutbud av charkuterier.
Habanero sitter i vagnen och skrålar en sång om bananer med en självsäkerhet i de spruckna tonerna som nog bara kan uppbådas av just en treåring.
 
Och när vi går mot kassorna tänker jag att staden och dess oändlighet, det hade jag väl egentligen kunnat klara av. 
Men bara så länge jag har just detta: ett ankare. Gränser, och begränsningar. 
Frihet under ansvar och bara vilsenhet om det finns någon jag har förirrat mig ifrån.
Bara vilsenhet om jag vet vad det är jag vill hitta tillbaka till.
 
 
 
Mer Helsingforshistorier:

Föregående

Skuggan över stenbänken (en recension)

Nästa

Storasystern

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