sånt som inte får plats i andra kategorier


oktober 29, 2017
Det stormar om morgnarna, det låter så högt, som om det regnar.
Träden böjer sig, tallarna växer snett efter år av samma vindar.
Ibland doftar luften salt av hav. Ibland bara blöta löv och fuktig jord.
Och barnen in i bilen, fortfarande i mörkret, den där blåsten om morgonen, man känner att man lever, kanske behöver man en naturkraft ibland för att känna det.
Det är så vackert att åka på natten, säger hon som snart blir en sexåring. Det är så vackert när alla lamporna lyser.
Och jag tänker att kanske blir just de här morgnarna hennes minnesfragment av barndom:
lampornas ljus
trängseln i vår lilla bil
ljudet av syskon som sjunger, viskar, leker
pappas parfym och lukten av overall
och dessa väldiga vindar.

Men det är sant. Det är så vackert om morgonen, om kvällen. När alla lamporna lyser och man kan titta in i andra människors hem.

Kvällspromenader i blåsten, halsduken tätare kring ansiktet. Passera hus och lägenheter som blir som dockskåp.
Där lever andra människor sina liv, här hittar jag på mina egna berättelser.
Det är så lätt att hitta på historier om andra, bygga dramaturgin tydlig och klar, fylla ut luckorna som man bäst behagar.
Så mycket svårare att bygga den egna berättelsen.
Fyller snart år, blir snart tjugofem, har levt mina år av att bli vuxen enligt principen att bara göra det. Bara göra alltihop som jag ville få gjort.
Som om tiden var utmätt, som om någon flåsade mig i nacken och jag måste hinna innan det blev för sent.
Och på ett sätt har jag ju fått allt jag ville. Jag har fått litegrann av alltihop.
Och samtidigt – jag ville ju ha allt, av allt, alltid. Och det har jag inte fått, det går ju inte.
Jag är så van att vara på väg någonstans. Att vänta på ett barn som ska komma, en tenta som ska klaras, en läkarutbildning som ska bli klar.
Det blir lätt att tro att ett vanligt litet liv är som att gå i cirklar.

Lätt att få för sig att det skulle vara något fel i det.

Men jag låter fötterna traska på.
Och tänker, att kanske kommer detta att vara mina minnesfragment av den där hösten 2017:
blöta löv under skorna
lukten av rök från någons öppna spis
inomhusmänniskorna och deras dockhusliv, deras middagar och deras tevekvällar
min frusna nästipp
värmen i tre små kroppars kramar när man kommer hem igen.
Och dessa väldiga vindar.

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  • Reply Elsa oktober 29, 2017 at 8:24 e m

    så vsckert det är, det du skapar med dina ord

  • Reply Frid G Svensson november 2, 2017 at 8:58 f m

    jag älskar att gå på kvällspromenad nu på hösten bland alla villorna där vi bor. Det är så fint att tjuvkika in hos folk. Särskilt mot juletid när det är adventsstjärnor och tända stakar. Då ser alla hem lyckliga ut, även om man vet att det kanske inte alltid är så.

  • Reply Wilda november 4, 2017 at 9:48 e m

    Dina ord är fantastiska och inspirerar mig = bästa betyget från någon som också skriver 😀

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