skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.


Konversationerna, de små samtalen som genomsyrar vårt liv.
Som föds ur vårt liv. Så självklara nu men en dag kommer de att kännas så avlägsna för livet kommer att vara ett annat – samtalen kommer att handla om något annat.
Och minnena kommer att vara luddiga i kanterna, på samma sätt som när man står insvept i alla klädlager om vintern och har svårt att minnas hur det kändes att traska barbent ut i världen.
Konversationer med en fyraåring.

Medan jag plockar disken, bär någon på höften, nynnar på en sång.

“Min mamma jobbar i sjukhuset”, säger han, gnager på en tomat, vill alltid ha tomater.
“Jaha, vad gör man då?”, frågar jag.
Medan jag sopar golv, klottrar utkast för en krönika, letar efter en vante.
“Man gör sjuka människor friska.”
Medan jag drömmer dagdrömmar, leker låtsatslekar, fantiserar fram hypotetiska scenarion.
“Jaha, hur gör man det då?”
“Man öppnar upp magen, plockar ut några saker.”
Och så säger man om man har en mamma som jobbar på kirurgen just nu.

Men en dag gör jag något annat och kanske har jag glömt allt då. Hur det luktar – av munskydd, desinfektion, diatermi. Hur coolt det ändå är att man till exempel kan stoppa in en liten kamera i buken och tjuvkika in.

Konversationer med en sexåring.
Medan jag kokar makaroner, bäddar sängen, bokar en färjebiljett.
“Mamma, de andra barnen säger att jag måste börja skolan.”
Medan jag tar en nästan sexåring i famnen som om hon fortfarande vore min bebis.
“De andra barnen har rätt.”
“Men mamma, i skolan finns det LÄXOR. De andra barnen säger att det finns läxor och jag vet inte läxor.”
Medan jag stryker henne över håret, över ryggen, över den lilla kinden där det faller en tår.
Och vet att en dag sitter hon vid köksbordet och tragglar och hon kommer inte ens att minnas att hon var rädd.
Kanske inte ens om man påminner henne.
För att det också är en del av att vara förälder.
Att hela tiden vara lite efter, i bakhasorna – att minnas och helga saker som barnen tycker hände för en evighet sedan.
Som de redan i ren uppväxtfart rasat förbi.

Och tvååringen som tar mig i handen och tvingar mig att säga godnatt till alla monster i och kring vårt hus. Kanske är det inte en konversation, bara ordergivning.

Monster under soffan, i vår trädgård.
“Inte dumma, bara snälla.”
Men tydligen oförmögna att sova utan ett tryggt godnatt.
Natt natt mosse sov tått och i rösten finns hela vårt liv tillsammans, hela livet med en tvååring, hela världen av detta nattande gullande vårdande plockande stöttande tröstande och så om igen.
Och jag är dödstrött och vill inte säga godnatt till ett enda monster mer men samtidigt vet jag ju.
Att en dag har jag ingen tvååring och vem ska då berätta för mig att alla monstren är snälla.
Vem ska jag stryka över kinden när hon sover tungt och tått.
Men den dagen kanske det finns nya konversationer som väntar.





22 kommentarer

  1. Tusen, tusen tack för dina kommentarer på min blogg. De värmde och tröstade oerhört. Detta inlägg gör mig också alldeles varm i bröstkorgen och jag är så glad över att få ta del av era härliga konversationer och jag känner mig plötsligt så lyckligt lottad över att få vara mamma och även ta del av framtida diskussioner, vad än de må handla om <3

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