Nettelblad

skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.

Växa ifred

(klicka på bilden för källa)

På den här platsen finns minnen av ungdomsår. Mest hans, men också mina.
Hemma hos min mans föräldrar i Dalarna. Första julen i Sverige sedan vi flyttade till Åland. Tjocka lager av snö, insjöar och bergshöjder, barrskog. Och runt knuten, vart man än går, alltid en anekdot om livet den jag älskar hade före mig. Att där och där och där är platsen där allting hände.
I alla berättelser är han sig så påfallande lik att man måste le.

Men här finns också minnen av att vara ett tonårigt jag. Första gången jag kom hit var på gränsen mellan två decennier. Vi firade nyåret här mellan 2009 och 2010 och jag hade just fyllt sjutton och vi hade varit ihop en månad och jag minns hans arm om min axel i midnattskylan bland fyrverkerierna, minns mina löften till mig själv, inte bara om det här året utan om decenniet som skulle komma.

Jag minns att vara nitton år här en sommar, sitta barbent på trappen till gäststugan på gården och skriva novellen som skulle vinna Lilla Augustpriset. Doften av solvarmt trä, kaffe, mina förhoppningar.

Den där novellen förändrade mycket och samtidigt ingenting. När jag vann priset hade jag hunnit fylla tjugo. Då hade jag skrivit ned mina berättelser i sexton år. Jag skrev redan och jag skulle fortsätta skriva. Inga tävlingar förändrar det. Kanske dröjer det sexton år till innan jag får bekräftelse på det viset igen.

Men det var skönt med ett alibi. När folk frågade om ens skrivande. Folk försöker så ofta luska ut om ens skrivande är något värt eller bara en navelskådande självupptagenhet. Jo det går bra jag vann det där priset, kunde jag säga. Och sedan få trava på med mina andra projekt utan att behöva beskriva dem desto mer.

Nuförtiden får krönikorna fylla samma funktion. Någonting som ger skrivandet en legitimitet. Så att de osynliga projekten kan få växa ifred.

På alla platser jag besöker, som jag besökt förut, finns minnen av berättelser som fått växa och gro ifred.

Jag minns hur jag tänkte den där nyårsnatten, när vi stod inför ett nytt decennium, att nästa skulle bli bättre. Jag minns att jag lovade mig själv hur. Och även om jag inte alltid lyckades. Även om vägen var lång att gå (vägen är alltid så mycket längre att gå än vad man vågade föreställa sig till att börja med, för om man vågade föreställa sig det skulle man inte våga gå den).
Även om jag tvekade, snubblade, vände, förirrade mig.
Nog har det varit ett bra decennium.
Och än är det inte över.

 

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21 kommentarer

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