Nettelblad

skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.

Presentationen

Bloggen startade om efter en paus. Fick en ny början.
Så jag tänkte: hur börjar man, egentligen?
Man presenterar sig.

Hej. Jag heter Ulrika. Jag är tjugofem år gammal. Jag vet ingen annan i min ålder som har mitt namn.
Jag brukade ha svårt för det där namnet, för att jag kände att det inte passade mig. Jag växte in i det, precis som jag gjort med så många andra saker i livet som jag kände var i ofas.
Man föds inte färdig, det är vad en uppväxt handlar om, att växa in i sina asymmetrier och låta dem bilda ett mönster istället.

Ingen annan hette som jag och därför förknippade alla mitt namn med just mig.
En gång hörde en vän från förr av sig många år efter att vi brukade ses.
Hon berättade om prickiga klänningar. När hon såg dem på stan, i en affär, på en bild, var hennes första tanke Ulrika. Efter alla år, fortfarande: Ulrika.
Fast mest var det förstås Ulrika tretton år.

Det händer fortfarande att jag ser en prickig klänning i en affär, låter mina händer smeka över tyget, och allt jag tänker på är också ulrika tretton år.
Det finns så mycket jag hade kunnat säga henne.

 

Kärlek tog mig till livet som är mitt.
Kärlek tog mig från Uppsala där jag växte upp till Umeå där jag bodde i sex år. Där jag födde tre ungar, gifte mig, läste en läkarutbildning.

Kärlek tog mig vidare till Åland efter examen. En plats där det skulle vara lätt att bygga det liv med familjen som jag ville ha. Där arbetstiderna och dagisköerna och pendlingstiderna är kortare. Huspriserna lägre. Havet en promenad bort.

Jag har bott här två år nu.
Det har inte alltid varit lätt. Det är inte platsens fel.

 

Barnen. Kärlek skapade dem också.
De är sex och ett halvt, fyra och ett halvt och snart tre och jag undrar hur länge de där halvåren i åldern räknas.
Kanske har de inte räknats på länge.

Skapade av kärlek och fascination.
Min stora dotter för att vi var fascinerade av hur mycket vi älskade varandra.
Min mellanpojke för att vi var fascinerade av hur mycket vi älskade stordottern.
Min minsta dotter för att vi var fascinerade av hur mycket syskon kan älska varandra.

Tvåbarnslivet – den tid jag hann uppleva det – var harmoniskt.
I livet med tre har jag ännu inte hittat harmonin.
Det finns många anledningar till det. Ett ovanligt känsligt mellanbarn. En oerhört intensiv minsting. En flytt över havet, ett nytt jobb.

Men jag hittar trygghet i att den här berättelsen hade aldrig kunnat utveckla sig på något annat sätt.
Vi skulle alltid ha skaffat så många ungar att vi egentligen tog oss vatten över huvudet. Hade tre varit lätt hade vi haft fem.
Kärlek och fascination hade alltid lett oss hit.

 

Jag är läkare och det skriver jag inte mycket om. Inte på den här platsen.
Många gånger älskar jag mitt yrke men ännu fler gånger känner jag respekt för det. Det känns så viktigt att göra det rättvisa. Jag kan så många gånger vara orolig att inte kunna leverera det jag borde vara patienter skyldig.
Om sådant är det svårt att skriva.
Den där egna osäkerheten ventilerar jag på andra platser.

Och låter det här vara ett ställe för skrivande.
För att skrivande är vad jag alltid har gjort. För att orden är hur jag alltid skapade ordning. För att det är konstanten. Det kom före allt det andra.
När jag inte har haft något annat har jag haft orden.
Nu har jag annat, och ändå är de kvar.

Jag heter Ulrika, och detta med att presentera mig är nog det svåraste inlägget jag skrivit på länge.
För jag tycker bättre om att vara bakom kameran än framför den, jag tycker mer om att lyssna än att prata (även om det finns en del av mig som kan prata på i oändligheten), jag vill iaktta hellre än att bli iakttagen.

Och tydligen vill jag inte riktigt prata om mig själv på en blogg som heter mitt efternamn och handlar om mitt liv.
Det finns så många andra historier jag kan berätta istället.

 

Så välkommen hit om du är ny. Välkommen tillbaka om du alltid varit här.

Vet du inte var du kan börja kan du läsa mina bästa inlägg. Eller köpa en prickig klänning och bli en look-alike. Eller gå ut i solen, lukta på nyklippta gräsmattor eller vårregnsasfalt eller grillrök, sätta ett litet leende på de där läpparna, de som ler för sällan ibland när man blir vuxen.

 

Nu gör vi fredag.

 

Föregående

Mina bästa inlägg om skrivande

Nästa

Klubben

50 kommentarer

  1. Vilken underbar presentation! Dig vill man ju verkligen följa och se varthän kärlek och fascination kommer att föra dig här näst.

  2. Ulrika, det här inlägget är fantastiskt! Kanske den bästa presentation av någon jag någonsin läst. + att jag gillar bilderna!

    Och du skriver så fint <3

  3. Jättefin presentation. Jag tycker om ditt språk! Och är en ny följare här, hej.

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