skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.


Jag lever i otakt. Det har jag nog egentligen alltid gjord.
Som barn var jag alltid brådmogen. Det är ett bra ord, jag gillar det. Bråd, det är ju egentligen bara snabbt, bråd som i brådska, som i bråttom. Men det är något med klangen hos ordet. Bråd som i ond, bråd död.
Alltid mogen. Men med den onda bråda döden inslängd i det hela, så var det. Jag var allvarsam och rädd och osäker och intensiv och jag testade allt omkring mig och ville överallt på en och samma gång och jag kunde bli oerhört heligt förbannad. Det sades om mig av en dagisfröken att jag var så envis att trillar hon i bäcken, då flyter hon motströms.
Jag började skolan ett år tidigt fast jag fyller år i december. Var nästan två år yngre än vissa klasskamrater och kände mig alltid äldst. Fast på det bråda sättet. Som att vissa delar inte hann växa med. Och med något som jagade mig i bakhuvudet, en känsla av att jag helst hade velat få springa därifrån ännu snabbare.
Jag läste i en barnpsykologibok att man kan tänka på “besvärliga” och temperamentsfulla barn som att det inte passar vissa barn att vara små. De passar inte i den här barnvärlden där man inte kan bestämma över sig själv, inte kommunicera, inte skapa sitt eget universum utan beroende av alla. Jag tänker att det inte passade mig att vara varken liten, lite större eller nästan vuxen. Jag tänker att det passar mig bättre att vara tjugotre år gammal än vad någon annan ålder har passat mig. Man behöver inte vara ledsen för att man är på väg att bli vuxen om man aldrig riktigt trivdes med att växa upp. Att var barn och tonåring och ung behöver inte vara den bästa tiden i ens liv. Allt är inte över och på väg utför om man aldrig uppskattade det.
Det kan finnas ro, också för den som hade bråttom.
Det finns chanser att växa ikapp sin egen hjärna.
När man nått det stadiet breder oceaner av lugn ut sig.

Jag har tre barn. Om ett halvår är jag färdig läkare. Jag har träffat så oändligt många människor på så märkliga platser i livet och jag förvaltar så oändligt många hemligheter som andra delgett mig. På det sättet är jag i otakt. Jag brukade tänka att det skulle jämna ut sig. När jag var yngre och omognare men också brådmognare. Att en dag skulle jag och mina jämnåriga plötsligt leva samma liv. För de skulle ju också skaffa barn, bara inte när de var nitton. De skulle ju också påbörja utbildningar, bara inte när andra av samma årskull inte ens tagit studenten.
Men jag har börjat förstå det nu. Att det inte kommer att bli så. Såklart.
När de börjar allt det där jag ska göra nu. Att ha små barn, gå ut på sitt första jobb efter utbildningen, köpa hus, allt det där man kan få göra när man växt upp om man vill. Då kommer det redan vara historia i mitt liv. Jag är redan på väg på nya äventyr som jag inte har någon aning om hur de ska se ut för jag följer ju tydligen inte den utstakade väg som andra gör.
Oändligt många gånger har jag önskat att jag bara kunna göra som alla andra gör.
Äntligen börjar jag acceptera att jag aldrig kommer att kunna det.
Och den här sången blir ljuvlig trots sin otakt.


Tiden T.


Dagen D.

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