En dag, på väg från ett tandläkarbesök, ramlar min Habanero på isen. Det är fortfarande februari och överallt så halt. Om dagarna värmer solen både ansikten och snön, om nätterna fryser smältvattnet på. Hennes stadiga näve i min var visst inte tillräcklig för att hindra henne från att falla. Jag piper till på sättet man bara piper när man är en mamma som tror att ens barn kan vara skadat. Böjer mig ned tätt intill mot den lilla ungen som ligger där blickstilla på marken med ansiktet mot snön, inte ens en gråt, inte ens ett skrik.
”Åh lilla vännen”, säger jag, ”åh lilla älsklingen, hur gick det?”
Tre sekunders tyst blickstillhet. Sedan slår hon ut med armarna, som om hon skulle göra en snöängel fast på mage, vänder kisande upp det runda ansiktet mot februarisolens värme, och bränner av det nöjdaste av Habaneroskratt.
”Mamma, jag är OKEJ. Det här var baaaaara KUL.”
Och så kan man väl halka sig igenom en vårvinter, om man är lagd åt det hållet. Låta varje möjligt fall också vara ett möjligt bergochdalbanekittel i magen.
Jag tänker att jag ska skriva om februari, men dagarna går, och jag gör andra saker. Åker med en sjuåring till fotbollsträningen och sitter kvar och tittar, för att jag har lovat, fast jag är rädd för bollar. Dricker päronte och skriver krönikor och ser på snöstormen utanför mitt arbetsrum. Bränner tungan för att jag är för otålig. Gömmer texter långt bort i hemliga mappar för att de inte är bra nog.
Äter en hembakt fastlagsbulle på Svarta Katten för att fira goda nyheter, känner brödets kompakta stabbighet och gräddens sötma värma själen lika mjukt som en vänlig smekning över kinden. Lyssnar på säkert tjugo avsnitt av This American Life. Börjar gråta åt ett av dem, när en kvinna läser en berättelse ur sitt liv om när hon födde ett barn och adopterade bort det. Fångar snöflingor på tungan. Halkar. Reser mig igen.
Jag tänker att jag ska skriva om mars, men dagarna går, och jag gör andra saker. Pratar med en femåring som vill att jag ska berätta hur vi hamnade på den här planeten. Förhandlar med en tre-och-ett-halvtåring som egentligen alltid bara tar ett förslag till förhandlingsbordet – Habanero way or no way. Dricker pepparmyntste. Börjar arbeta på psykiatrin. Skriver fler krönikor, bland annat om just det.
Tänker på mediciners verkningsmekanismer och på korrekt diagnostik. På hur man kan hjälpa den som är i det mörkaste mörka, men också den som är i det alltför klart lysande ljusa. Tänker på allt som kan göra ont i en människa även innan det har fått ett namn. Tänker på vilken nytta man ibland kan göra genom att sätta på ord på det någon annan ville berätta, men inte lyckades formulera.
På makten hos berättelser, styrkan i ord.
Och plötsligt – hastigt och oväntat, lika snabbt som fallet på fläcken – är det vår.
Och det är OKEJ.
(Bild från Shawn Ang på Unsplash)
34 Comments
Äntligen ett inlägg! Och så himla bra skrivet. Njöt av att läsa det här, Ulrika. <3
<3!!!
Det låter som att du har haft en skön och välbehövlig bloggpaus. Men fint att du är tillbaka med ett nytt och efterlängtat inlägg!
Tack för att du läser! <3
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