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skrivande, böcker, resor. och tre små barn.

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Plötsligt blev det tyst.
En gång i veckan har jag lämnat avtryck här men nu gick det inte.
Den oroliga kan jag lugna med att det inte rör sig om någon större dramatik.
Bara en kurs, en helgjour, en till kurs. 
 
Däremellan livet. Barnen. Utspridda fragment mellan dessa intensiva dagar. Hur jag kan bli knäsvag av min dotters röst i bakgrunden när jag sitter på ett hotellrum på andra sidan havet och pratar i telefon med min man. Hur min kropp känns halv och tom utan fingrarna i håret, läpparna mot kinden, fnissen i örat på kvällen när ingen vill sova.
 
 
 
 
Hur det känns som att någon har suddat ut ens konturer.
Att vandra runt i en främmande stad utan att någon väntar på att man ska komma hem.
Att man hade kunnat göra vad som helst, var som helst, att ingenting håller en bunden. 
 
 
Hur nattsömnen kan vara så god och lakanen dofta så rent men hur de doftar ensamhet.
 
Får lära mig så intressanta saker om ett yrke jag älskar.
Men det här handlar inte om hjärnan, det handlar inte om något slags intellektuell stimulans.
Det handlar om kroppen som saknar det som en gång var en del av den, det som klängt och hängt på den, det som på så många sätt fortfarande tillhör den.
 
Så.
Det var några rader, från ett hotellrum i Uppsala, en kväll när jag längtar, en kväll när jag saknar, en kväll när jag tänker att kanske ska det inte bli något större av mig än att vara just mamma till just de där ungarna, kanske hade jag kunnat ge upp varenda dröm i kroppen för just det.
 
Imorgon åker jag hem.
Sedan ska jag skriva här på riktigt igen.
 
När jag har kramats klart.
 
 
 
 

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