Min helg. Som den där SvD-serien om folks lyckliga liv.
Fast utan den där lyckat-lycklig-illusionen, det har aldrig varit min bästa gren.
Fredag och jag hämtar barnen vid dagiset med vår lådcykel (ni vet en sådan här). Det är barn och vantar och dagisvästar in till två olika avdelningar och plötsligt en tvååring som slänger sig på golvet i en sjuttonkilosklump som vägrar allt.
Det är mutor och trix, någon på höften, någon i handen, hjälmar som ska knäppas under runda hakor utan att huden kläms och –
plötsligt, från en mellanbarnspojke, ett litet mummel utan egentligt sammanhang:
Åh mamma. Du är bäst.
Genom andfåddhet och mjölksyra hemåt, vi möter solnedgången, luften är råkall men jag är svettig.
Och jag tänker på detta märkliga i föräldraskapet, att helheten inte liknar beståndsdelarna.
Att man bygger en uppväxt genom detta tålmodiga gnatande, detta repetitiva och simpla.
Att det kan bygga en vidsträckt helhet av existens.
Och fredag kväll och mannen är på after work,
vi äter pizza och jag borde städa.
Fyller en dismaskin, dricker lightläsk med jordgubbssmak, slösurfar på internet, jag googlar:
tips för ensamstående mammor
Det är väl ett slags eskapism jag ägnar mig åt, kanske är det orespektfullt? I så fall var det aldrig min mening, det är ju bara lek
att låtsas att de här kvällarna när jag sköter allt själv är representativa för hela min tillvaro
för att först då kan jag släppa lite på kraven, tänka att jag är good enough
var rädd om dig själv, du måste ju också hålla
står det på en av alla hemsidorna jag hittar.
Lördag går jag jour (och söndag också), 9-12, ett av de lugnaste jourpassen jag vet, geriatrikjourerna.
Går till geriatriska kliniken, ordnar akuta ärenden på avdelningarna. Små ärenden som blandas med berättelser om smärta och förgänglighet.
En av avdelningarna är inriktad mot palliativ vård. Man lär sig om de hyss kroppen kan spela mot en när den är under attack, överbelastad. Lär sig vilka medel som finns för att lindra.
Jag dricker kaffe, höjer kanske några morfindoser, man måste ha tungan rätt i mun, inte räkna fel, man ska räkna dygnsdosen och vilken dos det ska vara vid behov.
Det är meditativt, detta med siffrorna. Inte svårt, man måste vara noggrann bara, kan inte låta sina tankar fara åt alla håll.
På vägen hem krasar löven under mina fötter,
jag tänker på alla drömmar man måste hinna fånga innan det är för sent,
tänker på nästa gång jag ska ta ut komptid för att skriva.
Efter jouren har vi vänner på besök.
Jag panikstädar sista timmen för att omvandla hemmet från skitigt till bara stökigt. Gränsen för min värdighet går väl någonstans där.
Jag tänker på att någon sa, var det i en podcast? att när de bjöd hem någon och de inte hade städat
då var det som att ge bort en gåva
man raserar lite av murarna vi bygger mellan varandra i en jakt på att imponera, det där som gör oss så ensamma
Jag lånar ut en bärsjal och luktar på någons bebis
och undrar om jag någon gång kommer att skaffa fler barn.
Det är ett eget universum av tankespår, jag kan stanna där länge.
Och sedan är det söndag, men ingen söndagsångest. Kanske bara lite lebensangst, vem ska man bli, vad ska bli av ens tid.
Jag jourar och dricker kaffe och ordinerar morfin. Sedan promenerar jag till Nabben, det är stranden kanske två kilometer hemifrån, den är långgrund så man bottnar för alltid, de har simskola där om somrarna. En lagom promenadsträcka, fram och tillbaka, jag brukar titta på havet, hur det växlar i färg över årstiderna, lyssna på ljudet, smaka på lukten
och jag blir stående länge idag.
Skorna nedsjunkna i fuktig sandstrand, jag tänker på hur det var att stå där för ett år sedan
vem hon var, hon som stod där för ett år sedan
hur omtumlande alla stora saker i livet kan vara,
hur naggande ihållande de små kan bli
hur jag ömmar för henne
hur jag glömmer henne
hur nya tider sköljer undan gamla, som nya vågor tränger bort gammalt vatten, som varje ny tanke sköljer undan den jag tänkte
alldeles
nyss.
0
38 Comments
fantastiskt !
Tack!!!
och så sover de små trotsungarna och man känner att allt är värt det. Och jag försöker hitta ljusglimtar i det är eviga kaoset av tvätt, lämning, hämtning, jobb, vänner, städning, disk, storhandling och gud vet vad. Stunder att bara checka ut.
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