Det finns många välskrivna berättelser om unga melankoliska kvinnor som skriver. Där det vackra språket är en central del av berättandet och skeendena drömskt flyktiga. Och det finns många sådana böcker jag har älskat.
Älskat känslan de fångar, hur de berättar om något som kunde ha varit mitt liv. Att vara ung och drömsk och skrivande och ensam.
Men samtidigt som jag älskat dem har jag längtat efter att läsa om skrivande och melankoli i ett liv som liknar mitt. Berättelser som handlar om mitt liv som det blev, inte som man hade kunnat tro att det skulle vara.
Kanske är det en självklar konsekvens av ovanliga livsval: att det finns få andra som varit i samma situation. De flesta andra mammor jag träffar som var trebarnsmorsor när de var tjugotvå undrar inte hur de ska hinna skriva romaner. De flesta tjugofemåringar jag träffar som också skriver har inte ett barn i skolåldern de måste komma ihåg att packa gympapåsen åt.
Sedan läste jag Och hjärtat det var mitt av den finlandssvenska förläggaren och filmkritikern Sara Ehnholm Hielm. Och när jag läste den kände jag mig lite mindre ensam (trots att det fortfarande inte handlar om ett liv som är som mitt.) Medan jag läste tänkte jag att kanske behöver jag inte få exakt min egen berättelse berättad för mig, kanske räcker det att jag skriver den själv. Men jag har saknat berättelser om skrivande som handlar om annat än att vara en ung lite melankolisk kvinna som skriver. Jag har velat läsa om en vuxen lite melankolisk kvinna som skriver istället.
Jag har velat läsa om att sitta i sitt vuxna liv, med sina vuxna åtaganden, sitt vuxna ansvar, sina vuxna tankar.
Och ändå fortsätta skriva, och fortsätta känna, bara under något mer kontrollerade former än om man inte haft allt det där.
Och hjärtat det var mitt är en essäsamling om många saker. Att skriva på en balkong i Rom, att kyssas på ett tak i Helsingfors, att läsa på alla möjliga platser. Om flerspråkighet och finlandssvensk identitet och en massa andra saker jag aldrig upplevt.
Och om att vara mor till fyra barn, och om att vilja skriva. Om kontrasten mellan det självuppoffrande och det självförverkligande.
Det finns en precision, en välavvägdhet hos Ehnholm-Hielm som man ofta ser hos skribenter som läser lika passionerat som de skriver. En kontroll över språket som jag kan avundas. Intelligenta texter med värme. Hon skriver på ett sätt jag skulle vilja skriva men inte kan, låter språket få vara subtilt men kärnfullt. När jag släpper mitt språk fritt blir det all over the place och alla känslor är överallt. När jag försöker begränsa det, konstruera det, tappar det hela andemeningen.
Och hjärtat det var mitt är en stillsamt vacker liten pärla. En bok som tål att läsas långsamt, någon text i taget, som en dyr ruta mörk choklad till kaffet. Jag rekommenderar den till den läsande mäniskan för att få läsa om att läsa, till den skrivande människan för att få läsa om att skriva.
Och till den vuxna liten melankoliska mamman som skriver, för att hon ska få läsa några rader om sig själv.
*
PS 1. Sedan sist skrev jag en krönika i Läkartidningen som jag fick fantastiskt fina mail kring och som blev min mest delade krönika någonsin. Alla som spred den vill jag tacka, jag blev så himla glad.
PS 2. På lördag klockan 14.30 medverkar jag på den åländska bokmässan på Alandica och pratar om skrivande och Ålands kulturliv sett ur ett utifrånperspektiv. Samt läser den här texten högt. Kom gärna dit, då blir jag också jätteglad.
kyssar&kärlek vi hörs.
23 Comments
Hade missat krönikan, men så underbar. Gillar ditt vemod, det finns liksom en mening i det. Klokt barn, klok mor.
Fint! Den boken blir en sugen på att läsa 🙂
[…] boken du läst i år? Skuggan över stenbänken av Maria Gripe. Och hjärtat, det var mitt av Sara Ehnholm […]
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