kärleken alltid

Jag hackar rödkål och lyssnar på Clouds, med Børns. Det finns ingen låt jag lyssnat på så mycket som den under 2018, jag undrar hur många timmar jag hört den totalt. Varje gång jag slår på den tänker jag att den inte är så beroendeframkallande som jag mindes, men när den sedan är slut slår jag på den en gång till utan att någonsin kunna låta bli. Den låter som att vara förälskad när man är tonåring, får mig att tänka på att vara fjorton-femton år och så kär att man inte kan andas, att vandra gata upp och gata ned genom julihettan i ett Uppsala som är sommartömt på studenter, att tänka tusen tankar man ännu inte lärt sig dela med någon annan och

clouds are rolling by
I open my mouth and I breathe them right in
I forget about time and space
But I can’t stop thinking ’bout your face

En gång när jag var femton år och förälskad på Clouds-sättet hade vi ett praktiskt prov i hjärt-lungräddning på skolidrotten. Man blev indelade i par och en skulle spela medvetslös i en liten skrubb där provet utfördes och den andra skulle komma in i rummet och visa hur man hanterar en livlös människa – lyssna efter ens andning, känna på ens puls. Lägga en i framstupa sidoläge om man andades och hade puls och annars påbörja hjärt-lungräddning på en docka som låg bredvid.
Jag minns hur jag låg i det där lilla rummet och spelade livlös och jag visste inte vem som skulle göra provet på mig och jag tänkte på en femtonårings vis att om det är HAN då dör jag nu, då kommer jag inte att andas och inte ha någon puls för då överlever jag inte den beröringen. Och sedan kom han in genom dörren, och hade sitt ansikte bara centimetrar från mitt när han skulle lyssna om jag andades, och fingrarna över min handled, den fjäderlätta beröringen, och på en femtonårings vis tänkte jag att det här är mitt liv, det här kommer alltid att vara mitt liv: att vilja så mycket och att vara så nära, att vara så nära att jag bara är en halv decimeter ifrån, och ändå inte få det jag vill ha.

*

Jag river rödbetor och lyssnar på Fuck it I’m a flower med Crying Day Care Choir, jag tänker att kanske är det den näst mest lyssnade låten 2018 för mig. Jag lyssnar inte på den ofta längre, men jag minns den från varenda julimorgon, varenda julinatt. Den är så fånigt fylld av självförtroende att jag aldrig hade kunnat lyssna på den om den inte gick i moll, men nu har den sin ton av melankoli, fuck it I’m a flower growing taller everyday, fuck it I’m a flower I don’t care what people say och jag minns hur lycklig jag var i sommarnatten till den där låten, hur orimligt lycklig jag var i den tropiska hettan på en stugtrapp i Finland med min man som jag älskade och vetskapen om att barnen var hos sin farmor och farfar och hade det lika bra som vi hade, jag minns sjövatten kring huden och vattenmelon i gräset och takeawaykaffe i bilen under vår roadtrip och jag minns hur vi sa till varandra tänk att man kan känna såhär efter nästan nio år tillsammans det måste ändå vara helt orimligt och jag tänker på hur viktigt det är att kunna spara sådana minnen, med musik eller med en doft, att kunna kapsla in minnet av en sommar inom sig.
Kapsla in det så att man kan plocka fram det också den gråaste novemberdag.

*

Jag skivar potatis och lyssnar på L’amour tojours med Gigi D’Agostino och tänker att kanske är detta den låt jag lyssnat mest på genom hela livet. Tänker att jag har älskat den sedan första gången jag hörde den och alltid därefter och att det finns stunder då man, om man har den på repeat, kan känna sig som att man faktiskt närmar sig stjärnhimlar och evigheter och det största i kärleken bara genom att vrida upp volymen
och så har jag känt hela mitt liv.

Hade jag fortfarande varit en femtonåring hade jag sagt att det här är låten jag skulle vilja spelas på min begravning, med samma självupptagna fixering vid mitt liv och vid min död som när jag i just den åldern brukade säga att om jag dör ung vill jag att ni begraver mig i en prickig kista.

Och jag lyssnar på den där låten och minns hur det är att vara sjutton och precis ha blivit ihop med min man och upptäcka hur vi båda älskar trance, och se det som ett tecken på att det måste vara vi, som om ingen annan i världen någonsin älskat den där musiken,

att ligga på hans säng i den där lägenheten i centrala Umeå och lyssna på melodierna när de byggs upp och säga ja här här här är det så jävla bra
att möta upp honom på Renmarkstorget efter hans kampsportsträning och gå till Konsum och köpa tre för tio-bullarna på halva priset efter klockan nitton för det var ett lifehack för köpte man tre för tio blev det inte bara halva priset utan kassaapparaten fick flipp och man fick de där bullarna för typ två spänn totalt
att gå där genom vinternatten se röken av våra andedräkter blanda sig med varandra och få ena hörluren från hans iPod i mitt öra och gå tätt intill hans axel och lyssna på den där sortens musik tillsammans, i Norrlandskyla och med en doft av snöfall på väg och av hans svett efter träningen och
I still believe in your eyes
there is no choice
I belong to your life

Och det är nio år sedan och det är en evighet men inte en obegriplighet, det obegripliga tänker jag ibland är att vi levde separata liv en gång, att det finns många år av liv som vi inte delade, trots att vi kan varandras historier utan och innan vid det här laget, och jag vrider upp volymen och jag tänker allt det där och jag

jag skjuter undan skärbrädan, med potatisen.

Ropar på honom, vinkar honom till mig.
Tar ur en hörlur ur mitt ena öra.
Lockar honom nära, som man gör om man vill flörta med någon på en fest, som om målet är att alltid komma en halv decimeter ifrån varandra men också faktiskt få det man ville ha, och
hörluren in i hans öra, mina händer som snuddar vid hans ansikte när jag stoppar in den där, och jag säger:
Lyssna på den här låten nu, visst är den så sjukt bra?
Lyssna på den här låten nu, stå här intill mig och lyssna.
Jag tror den är nåt av det bästa vi vet.

*

(bild från Davi MoreiraUnsplash)

Föregående

Och hjärtat, det var mitt (en recension)

Nästa

Knyta tråd

46 kommentarer

  1. Älskar hur du har lagt upp det här inlägget. Så fint med lite Ume-skildringar också.

  2. Älskar att du får en att KÄNNA med ändå så himla lite text!

  3. Så bjussigt inlägg på något vis, om du förstår hur jag menar? Tack för att du delar!

  4. It’s very simple to find out any matter on web as compared to books,
    as I found this piece of writing at this web site. https://918.network/downloads/88-sky777

  5. tlenek azotu potencja

  6. Sanal Kitap 2015 Yılı En Çok Satan Kitaplar

  7. Son Çıkan Türk Kitapları Bu Hafta Çıkan Kitaplar

  8. Kitap Sipariş Etme Siteleri Internetten Güvenli Kitap Alışverişi

  9. En Çok Tutulan Kitaplar 2015 Türk Yazarların En Çok Satan Kitapları

  10. Kargo Bedava Kitap Siteleri Kitap Satış Sitesi

  11. Kitap Sipariş Etme Siteleri Kitap Al Oku

  12. 301 Moved Permanently [url=https://www.918online.today/category/joker123/]Show more>>>[/url]

  13. Dini Kitaplar Satış Eski Kitaplar

  14. Pi Online Oku Romanlar

  15. 301 Moved Permanently [url=https://www.918online.today/category/live22/]Show more>>>[/url]

  16. Online Alışveriş Kitap Kitap Siparişi Için En Güvenilir Site

  17. Bu Sene En Çok Okunan Kitaplar En Iyi Kitap Sitesi Kapıda Ödeme

  18. En Çok Beğenilen Kitaplar 2016 Turkce Kitaplar
    Online

  19. lib

    Hangi Kitap Sitesi Daha Iyi Dini Kitaplar Oku

  20. 301 Moved Permanently [url=http://www.918online.today]Click here![/url]

  21. I want to express some appreciation to the writer for bailing me out of this particular condition. As a result of surfing around through the the net and meeting suggestions which are not beneficial, I figured my entire life was over. Living minus the solutions to the problems you’ve resolved by way of your entire post is a serious case, and the kind which may have adversely damaged my entire career if I had not encountered your blog. Your own know-how and kindness in handling almost everything was precious. I am not sure what I would have done if I had not discovered such a point like this. I’m able to at this moment look ahead to my future. Thank you so much for your impressive and results-oriented help. I won’t hesitate to endorse your web blog to anyone who should have counselling on this matter.

  22. I have to show my respect for your kindness for all those that really want help with this particular question. Your personal commitment to getting the solution up and down had been pretty advantageous and have continually helped others much like me to get to their pursuits. Your amazing insightful publication means this much to me and still more to my mates. With thanks; from all of us.

  23. There are actually numerous details like that to take into consideration. That could be a nice level to convey up. I supply the ideas above as general inspiration but clearly there are questions just like the one you carry up where crucial factor might be working in trustworthy good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged around issues like that, however I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a good game. Each girls and boys feel the impact of just a second抯 pleasure, for the remainder of their lives.

  24. I would like to express my thanks to this writer for rescuing me from this particular setting. As a result of surfing around through the the web and meeting notions that were not helpful, I assumed my entire life was well over. Being alive without the solutions to the problems you have fixed all through your entire short article is a critical case, as well as the ones which might have adversely damaged my career if I hadn’t noticed your web blog. Your main training and kindness in controlling all the stuff was invaluable. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not come upon such a point like this. It’s possible to at this point look ahead to my future. Thanks for your time very much for the professional and amazing help. I won’t think twice to suggest the sites to any person who would need care about this subject matter.

  25. My husband and i got absolutely fulfilled John managed to conclude his survey using the precious recommendations he had in your blog. It’s not at all simplistic to just happen to be freely giving techniques which usually other folks might have been selling. Therefore we keep in mind we’ve got you to thank because of that. The most important explanations you’ve made, the easy website navigation, the friendships your site give support to promote – it’s got many amazing, and it’s really aiding our son and our family reckon that the topic is satisfying, and that is really vital. Many thanks for the whole thing!

  26. I must express my appreciation to this writer just for rescuing me from this type of challenge. As a result of surfing around through the internet and finding recommendations which are not pleasant, I thought my entire life was over. Being alive devoid of the answers to the difficulties you have sorted out by means of your good article content is a critical case, and ones which may have badly damaged my entire career if I had not come across your blog. That understanding and kindness in dealing with all the stuff was very helpful. I am not sure what I would’ve done if I hadn’t discovered such a step like this. I can also now relish my future. Thank you so much for your reliable and result oriented guide. I will not hesitate to refer your site to anybody who should have support about this matter.

  27. I must convey my admiration for your generosity in support of those people that must have help on your area. Your very own dedication to passing the message all through had become exceedingly beneficial and has continuously empowered ladies much like me to arrive at their aims. Your new insightful help and advice implies much a person like me and extremely more to my office colleagues. Regards; from everyone of us.

  28. I must show my thanks to you just for rescuing me from this particular condition. Just after checking throughout the world-wide-web and coming across thoughts which were not productive, I figured my life was gone. Being alive without the presence of answers to the difficulties you have sorted out by way of your good short post is a critical case, and the ones which could have adversely affected my career if I hadn’t come across your website. Your primary expertise and kindness in touching a lot of stuff was very helpful. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if I hadn’t encountered such a thing like this. I can at this point look forward to my future. Thanks very much for the reliable and results-oriented guide. I won’t think twice to refer your blog to anybody who would like guidelines about this topic.

  29. My husband and i felt so comfortable when Peter managed to finish off his homework from your precious recommendations he acquired from your very own site. It’s not at all simplistic just to happen to be handing out tips and hints which others might have been trying to sell. And now we figure out we’ve got you to thank for that. The explanations you made, the easy website menu, the relationships your site aid to instill – it is everything wonderful, and it’s really assisting our son and us reason why this subject matter is excellent, which is really fundamental. Thanks for all!

  30. I would like to express thanks to this writer for rescuing me from such a matter. Because of looking out throughout the internet and obtaining methods which were not helpful, I was thinking my life was well over. Living devoid of the strategies to the issues you have sorted out through your good website is a serious case, as well as the kind that could have in a negative way damaged my career if I had not come across your blog post. Your skills and kindness in maneuvering every item was valuable. I am not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t discovered such a solution like this. It’s possible to at this time look ahead to my future. Thank you very much for your high quality and results-oriented help. I will not think twice to suggest the website to anybody who would need guidance about this subject matter.

  31. My wife and i have been now lucky Louis could finish off his homework through the ideas he obtained from your very own blog. It is now and again perplexing to simply continually be handing out thoughts that the rest might have been trying to sell. Therefore we recognize we’ve got you to be grateful to because of that. Those explanations you have made, the simple website navigation, the friendships you give support to create – it’s most astonishing, and it is assisting our son in addition to our family understand the concept is exciting, and that is exceedingly vital. Thanks for all the pieces!

  32. I have to get across my admiration for your kind-heartedness for individuals who really need guidance on that study. Your personal dedication to getting the solution up and down appears to be definitely important and has regularly permitted others like me to arrive at their endeavors. Your personal invaluable advice means a great deal to me and further more to my fellow workers. Best wishes; from all of us.

  33. I am just writing to make you be aware of of the useful experience our child undergone browsing your site. She came to find several things, not to mention what it is like to possess a marvelous giving spirit to get a number of people without hassle fully grasp various specialized subject matter. You truly did more than my expectations. Thank you for supplying such interesting, dependable, edifying not to mention easy thoughts on this topic to Sandra.

  34. I simply desired to say thanks again. I’m not certain the things I would’ve implemented in the absence of the entire strategies shown by you on such a theme. It had become a depressing setting in my circumstances, nevertheless coming across the professional way you processed that took me to leap for joy. Now i’m happy for this support and thus pray you are aware of a great job you happen to be accomplishing educating the others with the aid of your webblog. I am sure you’ve never come across all of us.

  35. I needed to compose you that little observation so as to say thanks yet again for your personal nice advice you have provided in this article. It’s certainly extremely open-handed of you to grant unhampered exactly what a few people could possibly have offered as an ebook to end up making some profit on their own, and in particular now that you might have done it in the event you decided. These principles additionally served to provide a fantastic way to realize that other people have similar interest just as my personal own to know the truth a good deal more when considering this matter. I know there are several more fun moments ahead for people who scan through your site.

  36. I precisely had to thank you so much yet again. I do not know the things that I would have handled in the absence of the entire ways documented by you concerning this problem. This has been the frightening scenario in my circumstances, however , encountering a new skilled form you solved it took me to cry for gladness. I will be thankful for this assistance and then sincerely hope you recognize what an amazing job you have been doing instructing some other people by way of a site. I know that you haven’t encountered any of us.

  37. Thank you a lot for giving everyone an extraordinarily special chance to read articles and blog posts from this website. It is always very superb and as well , packed with a great time for me personally and my office mates to visit your web site the equivalent of 3 times in a week to read the fresh guidance you have got. And lastly, I’m also actually amazed with all the brilliant tips you give. Some 1 ideas in this article are unquestionably the most beneficial we have had.

  38. I must express some thanks to you for rescuing me from this type of instance. After scouting through the the web and obtaining basics that were not beneficial, I assumed my life was well over. Living devoid of the approaches to the difficulties you’ve resolved as a result of your main post is a crucial case, as well as ones that would have adversely affected my career if I had not encountered your web site. The understanding and kindness in controlling all things was very helpful. I am not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t discovered such a stuff like this. I can at this moment look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot very much for this high quality and sensible help. I won’t be reluctant to endorse your web page to anyone who should get recommendations on this issue.

  39. I definitely wanted to construct a note so as to say thanks to you for those precious steps you are giving out here. My time-consuming internet investigation has now been rewarded with reliable strategies to talk about with my pals. I would point out that we visitors are very much endowed to be in a perfect network with so many perfect people with good techniques. I feel very much blessed to have come across the website and look forward to some more excellent minutes reading here. Thanks a lot again for everything.

  40. I must point out my passion for your kindness in support of those people that actually need assistance with this content. Your special dedication to passing the message throughout turned out to be surprisingly good and has surely made guys much like me to achieve their endeavors. Your entire warm and friendly guideline signifies so much to me and even further to my office workers. Best wishes; from all of us.

  41. I wish to get across my affection for your generosity supporting those individuals that have the need for guidance on this important study. Your personal commitment to getting the message all over was definitely good and have all the time empowered girls just like me to attain their targets. Your new helpful publication entails a great deal to me and especially to my office colleagues. Best wishes; from each one of us.

  42. I precisely wanted to appreciate you once more. I do not know the things that I might have handled in the absence of those smart ideas documented by you on this problem. It was an absolute frightful concern in my view, however , encountering the professional tactic you processed the issue took me to leap for contentment. I will be grateful for this support and in addition hope that you really know what a powerful job that you’re putting in teaching men and women with the aid of a web site. I know that you have never met any of us.

  43. I have to show appreciation to the writer just for bailing me out of this matter. Just after searching throughout the online world and finding notions which were not beneficial, I was thinking my entire life was gone. Living minus the strategies to the problems you have resolved by means of your entire short post is a critical case, and the ones that could have negatively affected my career if I hadn’t noticed your web blog. Your own personal know-how and kindness in controlling the whole lot was vital. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not come across such a stuff like this. It’s possible to at this moment relish my future. Thanks a lot so much for the specialized and sensible help. I will not hesitate to propose the website to anyone who should get direction about this subject.

  44. Thanks so much for providing individuals with an exceptionally special chance to read articles and blog posts from here. It is always very great and full of amusement for me personally and my office acquaintances to visit your web site minimum three times in 7 days to see the latest issues you have got. And definitely, I’m just certainly happy with all the sensational inspiring ideas served by you. Certain 3 points in this posting are essentially the most effective we have ever had.

  45. My spouse and i have been so relieved when Chris managed to do his analysis out of the precious recommendations he made from your very own web pages. It’s not at all simplistic to simply find yourself giving for free concepts some others could have been making money from. And we all acknowledge we’ve got the website owner to give thanks to for this. All of the illustrations you have made, the simple web site menu, the friendships you make it possible to instill – it’s got all remarkable, and it is making our son and our family reason why this article is fun, and that is highly fundamental. Many thanks for all!

Kommentarsfunktionen är avstängd.

Driven av WordPress & Tema av Anders Norén