Klubben

 
 
Solvarmt trä under mina bara lår på trappen till den lilla stugan i trädgården, kaffekoppen så varm i mina händer, luftens dallrande hetta, rösten från min pojke när han sjunger en sorglig sång, allt allvar som kan rymmas i en fyraåring.
Min minsting som ålar sig upp i min famn. En snorig näsa i mitt hår. Lukten av solkräm. Svetten längs mina tinningar. Att blunda och njuta av hennes kropp i min famn, att känna hur hennes fingrar försöker trycka upp mina ögonlock, mamma WAKE UP, inte SOVA, det är MORRON NU.
 
 
 
 
Allt detta med vuxenlivet som väller över mig.
Ansvaret tungt på axlarna, dessa tusen beslut man måste fatta, dessa dagar som löper in i varandra och som är ens liv men ens liv händer inte per automatik och ingenting kommer som en självklarhet och allting måste skapas om man ska få vad man egentligen ville ha.
 
Om de bara visste, de där ungarna, tänker jag ibland. Om de bara visste vilken process som ständigt pågår i bakgrunden för att skapa en tillvaro de tar för självklar.
 
 
 
 
 
Det är som en hemlig klubb. Den här föräldraskapsklubben. Den man tillhör när man är den som skapar ramarna för någon annans verklighet.
Kanske är det först när jag har dessa egna ungar att vårda som jag fattar vilket jobb av kärlek som ligger i hela min egen uppväxt.
 
Klubben, det är ett ansvar som inget annat.
Klubben, det är en spektakulärt fenomenal jäkla upplevelse.
 
 
 
 
Och ljuden av grannbarn som leker i en annan trädgård och av mopeder som accelererar i andra änden av kvarteret och smaken av snabbkaffe och gräset mjukt mot mina barfotafötter.
Treåringen som ålar sig ur min famn, springer mot sin bror, dansar till hans sång.
 
Och jag lutar mig mot husväggen bakom, kisar mot solen, drar djupa andetag.
Väntar på att någon ska behöva mig. 
 
Och vilar där.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 

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