Smältning

 
 
Samma scen igen. Den här berättelsen har hänt tusen gånger förut.
Jag skriver det här på en Ålandsfärja. Utanför ligger isen i uppspruckna ojämna flak. Ibland så tätt att de nästan smälter samman. Ibland med stora hålrum emellan.
Den ser så tunn ut.

Skriver för hand. Bläck och block.
Alltid glömmer jag hur få eluttag det finns på de här båtarna.

Detta att vara i rörelse.
Hur mina ord ändå håller mig stabil och stilla.

Pennan som rör sig, musiken i hörlurarna, mina ord, och här smälter alla mina verkligheter samman:

jag är åtta år, jag är tolv år, jag skriver i baksätet när vi bilar genom Europa, jag skriver på hotellbalkonger i solvarm skymning som luktar cigarettrök från gästerna under oss

jag är femton år gammal och sitter i ett nedsläckt hotellrum i Beijing och allt som finns här är datorskärmens sken och de blå neonljusen utanför och smattret från mina fingrar mot tangenterna medan mina föräldrar och mina syskon är borta och badar i hotellpoolen men jag –

jag är sjutton år gammal och åker mellan Uppsala och Umeå om och om igen för jag har träffat kärleken däruppe och sista sträckan är det buss jag köper kaffe av tågvärdinnan, kaffe och nötter, jag sätter mig längst fram på andra våningen för att få se världen bre ut sig framför mig även om världen bara är norrländsk motorväg och fram med blocket ned med orden för jag –

 
jag är tjugo år gammal och jag sitter på ett hotellrum i Stockholm och knattrar på en novellsamling och det fladdrar i magen för dagen därpå kommer jag att vinna Lilla Augustpriset men det vet jag inte säkert än och –

jag är tjugotvå år gammal och jag sitter på en färja mellan Umeå och Vasa och min son är i bärsele på min mage och medan han sover skriver jag, alltid medan de här barnen sover har jag skrivit och –
 
jag är tjugofem år gammal på Eckerölinjens båt en grå afton i februari, när jag lämnat ett barn hos sin mormor och morfar och jag åker ensam hem och jag äter köttbullar i restaurangen och folk talar högt omkring mig tills jag kör in musik i öronen för att inte få huvudvärk
och jag skriver.
Och nästa gång jag ser upp är isflaken borta.
Allt jag ser är öppet vatten.
 

Föregående

En torsdagslista, om tid

Nästa

Retreat

42 kommentarer

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