Rödbetor

Jag bestämde mig för att lära mig att älska rödbetor, jag tänkte att det var dags.
Som jag har lärt mig att älska så många andra saker som jag en gång i tiden inte njöt av. Svart kaffe och armhävningar och avokado och iskalla duschar, mögelost och att sy i hud.

Man övar en liten stund i taget.
Man bygger sina övningsstunder till något njutbart.
Man skapar sig en ny värld i sin verklighet.

Jag bestämde mig för att älska rödbetor, jag lånade en kokbok. Jag köpte dem och skar dem i bitar så att skärbrädan såg ut att blöda. Jag kokade dem i lättsaltat vatten. Jag tänkte att det finns något med det ordet, lättsaltat, jag tänkte jag vill vara en sådan människa som alltid kokar saker i lättsaltat vatten, en sådan med en självklar knyck på handen när man kryddar, en som aldrig råkar öppna ett saltkar i fel ände och bara se det vita guldet flöda –

så jag bestämde mig för att älska rödbetor, jag blandade mina betor med crème fraîche och vitlök enligt kokbokens anvisningar, och rikligt med chili, med chilin fanns det inget lätt, då tappar man hela rättens tjusning –

och sedan honungsrostade jag kikärtorna och medan jag såg dem bli gyllene i stekpannan tänkte jag på den där andra gången jag skulle lära mig att älska rödbetor, det var snart nio år sedan, när jag precis var på väg att lära mig älska en annan människa

när jag precis blivit tillsammans med någon som inte bodde i samma stad och varje ögonblick var fyllt av längtan och allt jag behövde göra var att fylla mina dagar räkna ned sekunderna till nästa kontakt nästa sms nästa andetag i luren och jag tänkte att om det alltid kommer att kännas såhär att älska då kommer jag aldrig att våga älska igen

tänker på den gången för nio år sedan, hur jag försökte få tiden att gå, och hur jag började laga mat
och hur jag bestämde mig för att laga rödbetor

så jag ugnsrostade dem och medan jag skar dem i bitar kände jag det första magknipet, och jag tänkte: ens första kärlek är en värk i magen
och medan jag gjorde fetaostsalladen jag skulle ha till kände jag den första vågen av illamående och jag tänkte: ens första kärlek är en sugande olust,

och när jag tagit mina första tuggor av de där knapersöta rödbetorna kände jag hur allting vällde upp som om min kropp vägrade älska några rödbetor
och sedan sprang jag till toaletten och kräktes upp
alltihop

efter det var jag magsjuk i en vecka och jag åt inte rödbetor igen på nio år.

… men nu bestämde jag mig för att lära mig att älska rödbetor. Mina kikärtor är honungsindränkt gyllene. Min kvällsmat är klar.
Jag äter första portionen med mina barn och den andra ensam i balkongsolnedgången.

Och det är nio år senare och jag befinner mig inte längre i min första kärlek, jag befinner mig i min andra, vi träffades ju senare det där året, det var han som lärde mig att äta avokado,
och jag behöver inte fundera om ont i magen är längtan eller magsjuka för han är ju alltid där.

Det finns inget av den där naggande känslan av att ha blivit lämnad ensam fast man är en del av ett tillsammans.

Och rödbetorna smakar som gud.

Föregående

Vykort från Åland. Juni 2018

Nästa

Midsommarafton (och alla andra aftnar)

49 kommentarer

  1. Rödbetor och kärlek, ett oförklarligt samband. Denna rotsak som tycks figurera i mina mest sköra stunder. Skrev om det här, för ett och ett halvt år sedan, när tillvaron såg helt annorlunda ut: https://lillalibertin.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/the-blushing-colour-of-honesty/

  2. Alltså himmel så vackert skrivet. Och så nära igenkänning i detaljerna.

  3. Fantastisk text. Så konkret och så abstrakt och fint på en gång.

  4. Vilken fantastisk text! Jag gillar rödbetor i kombination med salt, men föreställer mig alltid hur insidan av kroppen liksom blir helt rosa av den. Minsta droppe rödbeta färgar ju av sig och är svår att få bort. Kärlekskletigt. Min son är rädd för rödbetor efter att nån vuxen på förskolan trodde att ett barn kissade blod. Visade sig att hen bara ätit en massa rödbetor till lunch, men det hela var en traumatisk händelse för min treåring.

  5. Alltså, din blogg!! så välskriven och fin.

  6. Mat och kärlek och ord i en ljuvlig kombination. Mittenstycket – så bra!Det gläder mig att rödbetorna smakade bra nu.

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