Storasystern

 
Plötsligt står hon i dörröppningen och gäspar. Sommarnatten är fuktig genom det öppna fönstret. Hennes småsyskon ålar och fnissar i sina sängar. Någon kryper över till någon annans säng och det var alltid den andras fel.
 
”Jag är trött”, säger hon i dörren. Stora storasyster. Alltings ursprung.
När hon talar lystrar syskonen. Något förhäxande för dem med någon som också är ett barn men ändå så oändligt mycket större.
”Men gå och lägg dig i ditt rum”, säger jag, ”så kommer jag sen och stoppar om dig.”
”Nej tack”, säger Storasystern, med det där förfinat hövliga hon tycker om att lägga sig till med ibland, ”jag vill stanna här och lägga bebisarna. Även om jag är trött. Det är viktigt. Att jag och bebisarna får lite tid tillsammans.”
Och sedan, med rösten plötsligt i barnpratarfalsett:
”Visst vill ni det, BEBISAR? Ha er STORASYSTER här hos er?”
Och uppståndelse och eufori utbryter.
 
 
Jag ville ge henne ett eget namn, här på bloggen. Som de andra fick bli Lilla Gubben och Habanero.
För att låta deras googleträffar vara deras egna att skapa.
För att skapa en tydlighet, kanske främst inför mig själv, om att berättelserna jag skriver är mina, inte deras.
 
En dag kommer de att kunna berätta sina egna historier om det här livet vi levde och säkert kommer de att låta annorlunda.
Så jag ville ge henne ett namn. Men jag visste inte vad jag skulle kalla henne.
 
Och där i rummet, om kvällen:
skymningen lägger sig och ”bebisarna” lugnar sig och doften av regnvåt asfalt strömmar in i rummet och storasystern stryker deras kinder när de somnat, säger godnatt till mig och travar stadigt iväg till sitt eget rum.
Och jag blir liggande kvar och lyssnar till ljudet av de andras andetag och tänker att det är klart att hon är Storasystern.
Klok och välordnad men med beredskap för det oväntade. En organisatör och en ledare. Någon som kan samla in de mest spretiga och oförutsägbara element till en helhet – föra samman oroliga och vilda själar till tryggheten i sin stora famn.
 
Men jag undrar också, där jag ligger.
Hur det blir att vara den som alltid tar om hand, den som förväntas veta bäst, kunna mest, sköta sig.
 
 
Jag går in till henne, där hon sitter på sängen i sitt rum. Ordnar sina dockor i rader, munnen lite öppen när hon koncentrerar sig som mest.
”Du vet att man inte måste vara stor”, säger jag. ”Du är störst av alla barnen men du är ändå ett barn. Vår lilla bebis, vår första lilla bebis som -”
Hon rycker på axlarna, allt jag säger är gamla nyheter, hon säger:
”Ja mamma. Jag vet.”
Stryker håret rätt på den sista dockan, vänder sig mot mig, möter min blick med den där självklarheten hon har och gäspar igen.
”Men nu mamma är det dags att vi sover. Annars kanske vi blir trötta imorgon.”
Och då gör vi så, för det blir ju så, med storasystrar:
man lyssnar på vad de har bestämt.
 
 

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Helsingforshistorier, del 3: Vilsenheten

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Juliberättelser

54 kommentarer

  1. Vad fina bilder!

  2. Så fint du skriver om det. Om dina barn.

  3. Jag älskar den här texten. Kanske lite extra mycket för att jag är storasyster själv, vilket gör att jag känner igen mig. Så fint fångat!

  4. Men å, vad intressant och fint skrivet. Det är så fascinerande det där med syskon. Jag växte upp som ensambarn (mycket äldre halvbror) och har funderat mycket på hur man hade blivit om man varit storasyster respektive lillasyster. Det låter fint att Storasyster så självklart tar hand om de yngre. Det måste hon växa av.

    • Otroligt fascinerande! Funderar ofta om Storasyster bland mina barn har formats till att bli omhändertagande pga syskonen, eller om hon är sådär av sig själv. säkert lite både och tror jag, för hon är superfascinerad av familj och familjebildning överlag (pratar ofta om att "tänk när jag får egna barn, då blir du en MORMOR" och vill liksom tänka på hela stora släkten typ). Men ordning i syskonskaran – eller att vara ensambarn – måste ju säkert forma en mycket. På gott och ont, säkerligen (å andra sidan, svårt att ändra på riktigt).

  5. Så mycket kärlek och ömhet när du skriver om dina barn. Jag vet inte om det är för att jag jobbar med barn eller något annat som gör att jag blir väldigt berörd av din inställning att de ska få skapa sina egna googleträffar och framför allt insikten att era minnen kommer skilja sig åt men vara lika sanna. Sen är jag storasyster också och att minnas att även en sån kan krympa ihop ibland tror jag är en viktig bekräftelse att fortsätta ge henne, även om hon "redan vet". Kanske behöver hon inte förstå det förrän hon är tonåring, kanske förr eller ännu senare. Men då är det så viktigt att vara stark i vetskapen om att kunna få vara svag, tror jag. Och den påminnelsen kan behövas mer och mer ju starkare en storasyster blir.

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