Ögonblick i juli

 
Jag kommer hem från Helsingfors, går till frisören och ber henne att göra mitt långa mörka hår blont. Ibland behöver man lite happy, ibland behöver man bara något nytt.
 
Har inte varit hos frisören på sju år.
Jag får en latte och små godsaker på fatet.
Dricker lyxkaffet och tänker på att överlämna kroppen i någon annans händer.
Tuggar på en jordgubbe, tänker på hur en förändring i livet kan börja med ett hår. Hur man kan skrapa på ytan för att gräva sig mot djupet.
Smaskar på en chokladbit från Fazer, tänker på kemin i att bleka ett hårstrå. Hur man bleker och det blekta blir gult och hur man sedan tonar för att få det kallare. Spränga sönder pigment. Spränga fram något annat. 
 
Tänker på en novell jag tror mig ha läst i Joyce Carol Oates novellsamling Faithless – tales of transgression. Om blont hår. Några rader i den jag minns så tydligt. Men när jag bläddrar genom boken hittar jag dem aldrig. Kanske blandar jag ihop dem med något ur Blonde. Kanske blandar jag ihop det med något jag själv har skrivit, vid samma tidpunkt, det måste ha varit lika länge sedan som sist jag var hos en frisör.
 
Kanske har jag skrivit så mycket, läst så mycket att orden smälter samman.
Att de bildar ett eget universum av språk, en parallell värld av upplevelser som aldrig har skett.
 
Jag ser in i spegeln och mitt hår tar aldrig slut. Lager efter lager penslas i blå kräm och klappas in i aluminiumfolie.
Jag undrar om alla tänker såhär många tankar hos frisören.
Hur orkar man då gå oftare än vart sjunde år?
 
 
 
Lånar Skuggan över stenbänken av Maria Gripe. 
Har inte läst den på femton år men minns den som hänförande.
 
Som barn tyckte jag inte om barnböcker.
Men Maria Gripe sa att hon inte skrev barnböcker, hon skrev böcker om barn för alla åldrar. Och den sortens litteratur har jag alltid älskat. Gripe, Fagerholm. Det finns en melankoli och ett mysterium i barndomens världar som bara vissa författare är kapabla att förmedla.
 
En litterär agent sa en gång att ett manus jag skrivit förde tankarna till en ny Monika Fagerholm.
Det är länge sedan nu och folk säger så många saker.
Men en del av alla saker folk säger kan man väl få spara, som skatter? 
 
 
 
 
 
Jag står med en snart-treåring i en lekpark. Min lilla Habanerobebis.
”Det är dags att gå hem”, säger jag. ”Vi ska äta middag.”
”Nej”, säger Habanero, med händerna i sidorna, ”har inte tid. Inte tid att gå min pappas hus, inte tid att gå min mammas hus, inte tid” – och ett litet skratt, som för att understryka det bisarra i tanken – ”äta en MIDDAG. Måste leka. Leka en dag, leka en natt.”
Tropisk dallrande hetta kring våra kroppar. En kväll som alla andra kvällar. En dag kommer jag att ha glömt bort det här och sedan plötsligt känna en doft, en värme som påminner om denna, och alla minnen kommer att skölja över mig, rubba mig i sin intensitet.
”Det finns vattenmelon”, säger jag.
Då fattar hon om min hand, utan ett ord, och vi vandrar hemåt längs asfaltsväg som luktar sommar. 
 
”Jag älskar dig”, säger jag till Habanero.
”Okej okej”, säger Habanero. ”Och jag älskar vattenmelon.”
 
 
 
 
Och andra kvällar cyklar vi till havet.
Lukten av salt och av tång. Solnedgångsvärme över min hud nakna hud. Vattenstänk från barnen när de rusar mot vågorna. Långgrunt till förbannelse,.
Ingen tid att passa, ingen vän att svara, inga liv att förbättra, bara våra minuter och våra timmar, tillsammans.
 
Det är så nära här, så enkelt här, så tryggt.
Så lätt att glömma bort det.
 
Trots allt har det aldrig funnits någon evolutionär fördel med att nöja sig. Vi är drivna av årtusendena till att sträva.
Men de här ögonblicken. Av att vara nöjd. Av att vara här. Av att vara nära.
Små lyckoskärvor av evolutionära undantag.
 
 
 
Ny här?
 

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Helsingforshistorier, del 1: Happy place

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Helsingforshistorier, del 2: Mormor Nettelblad

28 kommentarer

  1. Vad snyggt det blev

  2. Dina inlägg är alltid så intressanta att läsa. Tack för att du delar med dig!

  3. Så mycket i dina texter som griper tag i mig, det är svårt att addera något med en kommentar. Men att läsa om Maria Gripe vill jag också göra, jag fick lite hjärtklappning när jag såg din bild av omslaget för jag minns boken likadant. Och så instämmer jag i att den bästa författarkonsten är den som är både för barn och för vuxna. Tove Jansson är min egen favorit där och jag märker något nytt varje gång jag läser om hennes berättelser. Jag har två av hennes böcker bredvid mig just nu. Men när jag kommer hem ska jag gå till biblioteket och titta efter Gripe!

  4. Åh, jag älskade tv-serien på Maria Gripes skuggserie, Flickan vid stenbänken. Har sett den hur många gånger som helst. Har ännu inte läst böckerna dock, så jag har önskat mig dem i födelsedagspresent nu faktiskt.

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