Balkongtankar

 
 
Klara höga sensommardagar i hörnet på min balkong. Utsikt över min trädgård. Långa stunder när barnen leker med varandra, när min tid är utan avbrott. Dricker te som smakar tryffel säger de på förpackningen och inte vet jag om det smakar tryffel och i så fall vilket slag, sånt som svinen bökar upp ur jorden eller den där krämiga sortens chokladnjutning, men det är dovt och mustigt och hett.
Det smakar som en omfamning av någon som vill en väl.
 
Ovanför mig flyger sjukhushelikoptern och när jag hör ljudet är den första tanken samma som alltid: jag undrar vem som har jouren på akuten, undrar om det är mycket idag.
 
Det är lätt att ha en känsla av att sitta ihop med sjukhuset även när man är ledig. Jag kan uppleva ansvar även när ansvaret inte är mitt och på vissa sätt kanske det är ofrånkomligt. Läkaryrket handlar på så många sätt om att ta det yttersta ansvaret.
 
 
 
Det är många dagar på balkongen när helikoptern far där ovanför som jag tänker på det. Mitt läkaryrke. Det är ett jobb där stegen i karriären kan verka oerhört utstakade. Först blir man klar på universitetet. Sedan arbetar man som AT-läkare, enligt en viss mall med tydliga steg för hur många månader man ska vara på olika kliniker. Därefter förväntas man specialisera sig, också det enligt utstakade mallar beroende på vilken specialitet man väljer.
 
Men för varje steg kommer nya frihetsgrader. Allt handlar om hur långt från den väg alla andra går man vågar sträcka sig. Med det här yrket i botten har jag många friheter och snart är det dags för mig att välja riktning igen. När hösten övergår i vinter kan jag på allvar designa hur jag vill att den här tillvaron ska se ut egentligen. Hur jag vill jobba och hur jag vill vara ledig och vilket innehåll jag vill fylla min tid med.
På balkongen med mitt tryffelte planerar jag det där. Gör listor och beräkningar och tänker tusen tankar klart.
 
 
En dag börjar Storasystern skolan. Också ett nytt steg i mitt liv. 
Ryggsäcken på och stadiga steg, matteläxa vid köksbordet om kvällen. Fåordigheten när jag vill veta allt om hennes dag och hon bara vill rusa vidare till en kompis. Litenheten de gånger allt stort och duktigt rasar och hon vill vara en liten flicka i en mammas famn. Insikten om att de tillfällena kommer att komma mer och mer sällan.
 
På sådana saker tänker jag också, när jag blåser hettan av tevattnet och försöker tänka färdigt alla tankar. 
Att jag vill bygga mitt liv så att jag kan vänta ut henne, när det behövs. Nu när hon inte längre är någon småunge som berättar alla hjärtats hemligheter så fort man bara tittar på henne.
Vill bygga mitt liv så att jag har tiden att stå och pyssla med något bredvid henne, där vid köksbordet och matteläxan, tills hon inser att det finns sånt hon vill berätta.
Bygga livet så att jag har energin att lyssna noga på orden när de kommer.
 
Om sådana saker handlar tankarna, sensommardagar på balkongen, om sådant handlar mina beräkningar.
Om bara några månader är det inte tankar, bara handling. 

 
 
 
 

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Dagar, nätter

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Lyssna, läsa, laga

26 kommentarer

  1. Det svåra pusslandet. Hoppas du känner att du hittar balansen. Ditt yrke är så långt från mitt och det är alltid intressant att läsa om det som är annorlunda (från mitt liv). Även om mycket är utstakat och enligt vissa mallar, låter det skönt ändå att det – åtminstone i början – är indelat i perioder som övergår i nåt annat till slut. I mitt jobb är uppgifterna ändlösa, monotona, och det är så frustrerande ibland att det inte finns ett mål.

  2. Så klokt reflekterat. Det där med att jobba bredvid och vänta in hennes ord tror jag är en viktig nyckel <3

  3. Du skriver så klockrent, vackert och lite melankoliskt. Arbetar också som läkare, heltid + jourer framtill alldeles nyligen. Precis blivit mamma för fjärde gången, ett litet knytte på fyra dagar, så totalt utlämnad åt våran omsorg som vuxna. Utdragen smärtsam förlossning, infektionsrisk pga tidig vattenavgång (vänta och se),gulsot och lite slöhet, kämpa med att få till amningen. Trötthet och oro, skäller på 9-åringen som testar gränser, får dåligt samvete, vill bli en bättre mamma, osv så loopar det runt just nu. Finner glädje i dina texter.

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