Hänt

 

 
Hej.

Detta har hänt:
vi firade fem år som gifta, lämnade barnen med svärföräldrarna, åkte på roadtrip genom Finland. Pratade om livet, åt getostpizza i bilen, betraktade Österbottens platta vidder.

 

 

Jag jobbade. Med olika saker.
Träffade en massa patienter. Lärde mig en massa psykofarmaka. Hade fina samtal. Hade svåra samtal. Kände att jag gjorde en insats. Kände att jag inte nådde fram. Drack många koppar kaffe. Åt många Dumlekolor. Såg ut på Svibyviken från fönstret på mitt kontor, såg isen smälta, såg solljuset glittra i vattnet. 
Skrev krönikor. Om kvällarna. Om helgerna.
Bland annat en krönika för Läkartidningen om möten i läkaryrket.

 

 

Jag köpte en kamera. Jag tänkte: vad märkligt att köpa någonting till mig själv bara för att jag vill ha det.
Inte för att jag behöver det inom ett område där jag är professionell.
För det är ju mest det jag lägger pengar på annars (förutom barnen förstås) – sådant jag behöver för mitt skrivande, sådant jag behöver för mitt läkarjobb.

Jag bär runt på den med stolthet, den lilla tyngden över axeln som en ständig påminnelse. Du ska ha den där Ulrika, tänker jag, som man gör med en present till någon man älskar, bara för att du gjort dig förtjänt av något kul.

 

Jag skrev en massa text på något som ännu inte är klart.
Sedan skickade jag det till någon som jobbar med böcker, som läst annat jag skrivit och gillat det och sa:
vill du läsa det här och säga vad du tror?
Så just nu ligger mina ord mest i någon annans händer.

 

Och jag gjorde allt det här som är små bitar av ett liv:
lagade den här spenatpastan, blundade och stönade för att den är så sjukt god, satt i lekparken och kände ljumma vindar mot mitt ansikte, promenerade till havet och drog in lukt av salt och sand och tång.

Jag låg vaken om natten och oroade mig, jag sov tunga och drömlösa timmar, jag kysste någon jag älskar.
Lyssnade på My House med Florida tills de enda tankar jag tänkte var citat från den menlösa låttexten, läste Bockarna Bruse tjugo gånger på raken, sa åt en kull av oregerliga ungar med min mörkaste röst att nu räcker det, bad de oregerliga ungarna om ursäkt, hörde min fyraåring säga men mamma, man FÅR vara arg, man får ha alla känslor.

Så jag hade alla känslor. Jag grät och jag log och jag drömde och jag längtade och jag var så nöjd och jag var så frustrerad,
jag sjöng Halo och wailade som en tok och trodde att jag var Beyoncé medan jag tömde diskmaskinen och jag duschade efter träningen tills allt som fanns kvar i min kropp var hetta och sedan kysste jag någon jag älskar en gång till.

Och mitt i allt detta blev det plötsligt – och äntligen! – vår.

 

 
 
 
(PS. Så nu är jag väl tillbaka här igen, skriver på den här platsen, igen. Om ni gillar det: tryck på det lilla hjärtat, följ mig på Facebook och på bloglovin, dela det här inlägget om ni tyckte det var fint, tipsa en kompis. Såna små saker som man kanske inte tänker på men som gör stor skillnad för den som skriver. Kyssar&kärlek på er alla).

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30 kommentarer

  1. Vilken vårgåva, att du är här igen!

  2. Livet, livet! <3

  3. Hittade precis hit och följer mer än gärna. Du skriver så att det går rakt in! Väldigt fint.

  4. Hoppas så hemskt mycket att du får bli utgiven! Jag vet inte varför, men jag får alltid känslan av att du är som från en annan tid när jag läser dina texter. Och det är på ett bra sätt. Det är eget och äkta. Du skriver så att det känns. Det är fantastisk gåva som jag verkligen avundas <3

  5. Okej, nu gör jag nåt jättenervöst, jag kommer till Åland mot slutet av juli på semester, är du där då och vill du gå på kompisdejt med mig? Jag tror du känner min syster eller iaf nån av hennes vänner som åxå är läkare. Så det är nästan som att träffa en väns vän 🙂 Tycker det vore så fint att ses!

    • JA! KLART JAG VILL! är definitivt på Åland då + har semester hela juli så mycket tid 🙂
      räknas jag som ålänning när jag direkt börjar fundera på vem du känner som jag känner, måste väl vara det mest puråländska draget av alla?

      lägg till mig Facebook så kan vi göra planer där via när du vet när du kommer!

  6. 😀 😀 😀 Genast, facebook!

  7. Dina ord. De slår omkull mig. På ett bra sätt.

  8. Hej! Kikade in här för första gången nu och blev berörd av dina ord. Så vackert skrivet.

  9. Läste – sa bra! – till tonerna av ESTs Bound for the Beauty of the South. Din text, foton och deras musik, som om de var gjorda för varandra..

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