Början

Jag har försökt sluta så många gånger.
Frågan är inte längre varför jag skriver. Det är varför jag inte har lagt av.  Varifrån besattheten kommer.
Av detta egoistiska, olönsamma och krävande.
Jag tänker på det, allt oftare. Hur bekvämt det hade varit att bara kunna låta bli.
Jag skrev ett bokmanus hösten innan jag började läkarprogrammet. Det är mitt sista försök att skriva större projekt, sa jag, man måste passa på. Sedan när man blir läkarstudent kommer man inte ha tid. 
Det blev refuserat av förlagen. Några skrev snälla saker. Jag sparade deras ord, deras uppmuntran, vissa formuleringar minns jag fortfarande utantill.
Och sedan skrev jag skrev ett till, sommaren året efter, när jag var gravid med mitt första barn.
Det är nog sista gången, sa jag, man måste ju passa på. Sedan när man får barn ändras prioriteringarna. Då gör man inte sådana saker.
Min bok refuserades, någon skrev några fina ord, sedan blev det höst, det var året när min största skulle fylla ett. Och plötsligt vann jag Lilla Augustpriset. Med en novell som var hämtad från en novellsamling jag börjat skriva på, i hemlighet, om kvällarna.
Jag skickade in den till några förlag. De sa några fina saker. Men det är så svårt med noveller, sa de. Nästan ingen som köper.
Sedan blev jag gravid med det andra barnet. Och en dag satt jag höggravid, det var hösten när min första skulle fylla två, och jag tänkte:
Okej då. Inte noveller. Men nu då.
Nu ska jag göra det. Men nu är det sista gången. Lovar och svär.
För när man blir tvåbarnsmamma, då har man inte tid. Då slutar man med sånt här, gör riktiga saker som vuxna gör.
Och så skrev jag en roman.
Och förlagen skrev fina saker, finare än de gjort förut.
Och ett förlag sa det finns något i den här berättelsen. Det når inte hela vägen fram, i den här versionen. Men vi vill se vad det kan bli. 
Så jag arbetade om den där boken. Flera vändor fram och tillbaka med det där förlaget. Med långa pauser ibland i processen. Som månaderna när jag låg nygravid med mitt tredje barn och bara kräktes, som den där våren när min mellanunge bara skrek hela nätterna igenom.
Till slut skickade jag in det sista och det bästa jag kunde göra av den där boken.
Och:
Inte just den här berättelsen, trots allt, sa de. Den håller inte hela vägen.
Men vi tror på det du skriver. 
Vi skulle vilja se vad det kan bli om du skriver något annat än just det här.
Nu har jag något annat, i byrålådan och långt bak i huvudet.
Nu räknar jag ned dagarna.
Tills jag ska ge mig i kast med att skriva något långt, något nytt.
Det där som är något annat än just den där berättelsen som inte höll
Ännu en gång undrar jag om jag inte snart måste släppa det här. Nu när jag har ett riktigt jobb. Ett riktigt liv. En riktig liten familj som vill ha mig, så mycket det bara går.
Ännu en gång tänker jag:
men bara en gång till. 

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37 kommentarer

  1. Så stark text, hoppas verkligen att du får något publicerat för du skriver väldigt fint!

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