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Sjutton år sjutton år i staden

 
Det jag minns bäst är vår förväntan.
Tidens ändlösa seghet, som kola när käkarna mal, så sött och kletigt tjockt. Hur vi vandrade runt i timtal genom vårkvällar och sommardagar, hur vi satt på caféer hösten och vintern igenom. Linnébullarna stora som minst dubbla kanelbullar, vi delade på två för att det var billigare så, jag köpte te och brände tungan, jag var alltid för otålig.
Hur det kändes som att tiden var vår att fördriva, som att förväntan mest var väntan. Hur det kändes som om det när som helst skulle hända något stort.
Som att jag måste vara redo.
 
 
Jag minns ensamheten. Att vara tretton-fjorton-femton-sexton år och tänka att jag inte var gjord för den här platsen, den här tiden, det här livet. Jag minns fyrtiofem minuter på bussen, till skolan och hem. Lukten av andra människors svett i rusningstid. Böckerna man hinner läsa när man pendlar. Snöstormar, vårvindar, valborgssol utanför fönstret. 
Min tonårslängtan fladdrande i bröstet, en feber av förväntan i huvudet.
Hur jag längtade – efter att någon skulle hitta mig, älska mig, ta mig med storm.
 
Jag vet att jag alltid skrev.
I bussen, i bilen, 
Jag sa till alla: en dag ska jag bli något stort och inte ens jag trodde på min egen berättelse.
 
 
Jag åkte på kurs dit i helgen, till mitt gamla Uppsala där jag var sjutton år sjutton år i staden och inte bott på sju år och två veckor. Och under promenaderna längs Fyrisån, med en kaffe på Storken, på en bänk vid Svandammen i höstsval luft. Då log jag åt hur det är att vara sjutton och tro att man är missförstådd och ensam och precis som ingen alls.
När man uppvisar de mest ålderstypiska beteenden.
 
Och jag tänkte på hur märkligt det var: detta att någon hittade mig, älskade mig, och tog mig med storm.
Jag var sjutton år och nio månader när jag lämnade den där staden.
För att flytta in på vinst och förlust hos nån kille. För att se vad det kunde bli.
 
Sedan skaffade vi tre barn.
Och jag blev en av de som aldrig kommit hem.

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41 kommentarer

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