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skrivande, läsning och tre små barn.

Ångrar aldrig

 
 
Värmen i deras andedräkt mot ansiktet. Doften av ett barnahuvud. Knubbiga fingrars hårda grepp kring ens egna.
Ljudet när de suger på nappen. Ett särskilt smackande i hur ett barn suger på nappen när det somnat. Åtminstone med mina barn, alla mina tre. När de var mindre,  när alla sov i samma rum, alla med varsin napp, ljöd de genom natten som en smackande orkester.

 
Jag kommer att ångra så många saker.
Kanske ligger det i den mänskliga naturen, kanske ligger det allra mest i min. Förfäran inför hur ett val oundvikligen stänger dörren till ett annat. Tiden man inte kan hålla fast hur hårt man än kramar.
 
Jag kommer att ångra vad jag inte sa och det jag sa för hårt. Texter jag inte skrev och de där orden som blev fel. Ångra dagar då jag inte var med mina små. Och samtidigt: ångra de drömmar jag inte följde, just för att frigöra tid för småbarnsår.
 
Jag kommer att bli förvånad över vilka saker det är jag ångrar. Vilka saker det är jag saknar. Överraskningen, den ligger också i sakens natur. Hade jag vetat vad jag skulle ångra hade jag gjort det annorlunda från första början.
 
Livet handlar så mycket om att agera i dunkel.
 
 
Men jag vet en sak jag aldrig kommer att ångra.
De där gångerna när jag lagt en unge för dagssömn, och tänkt: nu ska det bli något produktivt av mig. Dags att städa ett hus, skriva en bok, göra nåt stort. Alla de gångerna jag tänkt så, och sedan känt dimman i huvudet.
Vågat vara klok nog att ändra mina planer. Krupit ned under täcket – bredvid snusningar och kroppsvärme, nappsmack och prinskorvsfingrar, lukten av mina alldeles egna.
 
Och stannat där.
 
Liknande inlägg:
 
 
ps 1 För den som undrar vad som pågår på mittenbilden, så är det min son som somnat så skönt framför en film att käken är så avslappnad att nappen hänger på allra yttersta kanten av läpparna.
 
ps 2 Ni skriver så många fina saker till mig, ni som läser. Och delar och sprider och har er. Något av det finaste jag får vara med om. TACK.
 
 

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44 kommentarer

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