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skrivande, läsning och tre små barn.

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Att begripa sig på det egna livet är som att begripa sig på det egna skrivandet. När man är mitt i det, i det första utkastet, är man blind. För de egna upplevelserna, de egna orden. Visst flödar det på. Men inte vet man om det blir något värdefullt.
Den egna texten behöver få vila för att nå sin fulla potential. Helst så länge att den slutar att vara ens egen text, blir som vilken text som helst. Jag har fortfarande för lite tålamod för att låta det jag skriver vila så länge som det borde. En gång för länge sedan hade jag för lite tålamod för att redigera över huvud taget, men jag har lärt mig att älska det. Redigeringen är processen som tar något acceptabelt till något raffinerat.
Och ju mer jag lär mig efterarbetningen, desto bättre blir också det första utkastet. Som om jag instinktivt lär mig vad redigerings-Ulrika kommer att vilja ha, skriver det så från första början.

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Jag får inte redigera om livet. Vissa saker måste man spika redan i första utkastet. Men det finns scener i livet som upprepar sig, dramaturgiska kurvor som återkommer, teman som löper genom hela berättelsen. När jag är mitt i det ser jag bara att det flödar, men inte vad värdet är. Senare, när upplevelserna får vila, kan de sluta att vara mina upplevelser. Först när de blir berättelser som hade kunnat handla om någon annan kan jag se dem klart.  

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Jag försöker göra som med mina texter. Låta erfarenheten av allt som inte blivit bra göra nästa version bättre.
Jag tänker på det när allting bara upprepar sig, samma monotona lunk fylld avslagenhet, när jag undrar om hela livet bara är samma misstag som går på repeat.
Att jag inte är samma som jag en gång var. Jag har lärt mig bygga om mina meningar så att de har ett annat flow, jag har lärt mig bygga mina berättelser så att de har ett annat driv, jag har lärt mig att leva mitt liv med andra existensfärdigheter.

Alla de första utkasten som inte blev.
De var inte förgäves.  

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40 kommentarer

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