Idyll och skit i hörnen

 

Det är ett fantastiskt yrke, sa äldre kollegor till oss på läkarutbildningen. Ända från dag ett. Så mångfacetterat, man kan hamna så att man får göra precis vad som helst.
Föga anade jag att det skulle sluta med en obligatorisk heldagskurs i Helsingfors, helt på finska, om det finska socialförsäkringssystemet. 

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Fast sedan blev den ju inte av, den där kursen.
Det är en fantastisk tid i livet, sa tårögda medelålders människor med småbarnsåren långt bakom sig när de fick reda på att jag väntade mitt första barn. Dessa ljuvliga dagar med små barn, man klarar allt, så mycket mer än vad man tror. Och tänk nu på att det aldrig kommer igen.
Föga anade jag att det skulle sluta med att jag inte kunde åka på en obligatorisk helfinsk heldagskurs i Helsingfors för att magsjukan härjade i mitt hem.  

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Ibland händer det att någon halkar in på den här bloggen och skriver orimligt vackra saker till mig. Säger att mina ord har påverkat dem.
Få saker gör mig så glad. Samtidigt är det bitterljuvt. För då går jag tillbaka och läser vad jag egentligen har skrivit. Herregud vilken pretentiös smörja, brukar jag tänka. Och framförallt: är det inte lite väl idylliserande?
Som om allt är så skört men ändå så vackert, sirligt ljus genom gardinerna, skarpa kontraster och magiska upplevelser, barnahud och kärlek, föräldraskapets pulserande närvaro, fånga ögonblicken innan de glider ifrån en.
Man hade ju kunnat kräkas av mindre. 

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Och sen ibland tänker jag att kan det inte få vara just så.
Kan jag inte få skriva för att skapa mening i meningslösheten, för att fånga tiden som rinner ifrån mig. 

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Men jag lovar att det här ögonblicket kommer jag inte att idyllisera:
när illamåendet väller genom kroppen så man inte ens pallar dricka kaffe. Och en unge galopperar genom huset, skriker: åh nej! jag kissar på mig!
Och man tänker att det här kan man klara. Vaddå noll koffein i blodet och noll mat i magen, man är ju en supermom, luttrad och cool, har varit med förut, kiss på golvet! Pfft, det kan man torka i sömnen.
Sedan: ögonblicket när man fattar att det inte är kiss.
Att det finns värre saker som kan forsa ur en kropp i ett hus där magsjukan härjar.
Ungen har galopperat genom ett stökigt hus med det där som inte är kiss och nu är det överallt.

Men vad vore väl en dag i Helsingfors.

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25 kommentarer

  1. Ida

    Men, jag tycker nog inte att det du skriver är idylliserande. Jag tycker att det är vackert, men precis så ärligt rakt att det går in under huden.
    Jag tror det har att göra med dina ordval, ditt sätt att skriva. Hur trivialt ämnet än är så väcker det tankar.

  2. Men, jag tycker nog inte att det du skriver är idylliserande. Jag tycker att det är vackert, men precis så ärligt rakt att det går in under huden.
    Jag tror det har att göra med dina ordval, ditt sätt att skriva. Hur trivialt ämnet än är så väcker det tankar.

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