Begynnelsen

 
Nu har jag varit mamma i sex år.
Allting började med dig.
 
Jag ser på dig.
När du sitter vid köksbordet och ritar. Rusar längs gatan på väg mot en kompis. Greppar efter min hand vid läggningen.
 
Jag lyssnar på dina resonemang, på dina historier.
En hybrid mellan barnets naivitet och att vara på väg att börja växa upp:
En pojke var kär i mig en gång. Det händer så ibland – att människor blir kära i varandra.
Han kallade mig prinsessa. Och jag tänkte: jag ÄLSKAR prinsessor. Hur kunde han veta?
 
 
 
 
Jag tänker på dig.
Hur du stryker dina syskon över kinden, håret.
Hur du tröstar din bror när han gråter om kvällen, säger: 
Idag tycker jag du är den gulligaste i familjen. Och då är man gulligast i hela världen.
Hur du bannar och förmanar, kramar och försäkrar.
 
Hur stolt du är när din lillasyster kräver att du ska följa henne fram till dörren på dagisets avdelning, hur du säger:
Nästan som om jag är en mamma. En alldeles riktig mamma.
 
 
 
Jag tänker på det, att vara en mamma.
Hur du har det så naturligt i dig:
denna vårdande trygga famn, denna självklara stabilitet på jorden, liksom denna urmoder dina småsyskon kretsar kring.
 
Du säger:
Jag ska bli en mamma när jag blir stor,
säger
mamma är det finaste som finns,
jag tänker
att naturligtvis har du rätt.
 

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