25

 
 
Det finns någonting med alla födelsedagar jag minns. Fogar man samman dem innehåller de en egen berättelse, jag hade kunnat dela upp den enligt dramaturgiska modeller, dela in den i akter, markera vändpunkterna.
 
Att fylla sexton och tonårsmässigt tro att det var omöjligt att bli älskad. Att fylla sjutton och ha distansförhållande, sextio mil på buss och tåg, en rysk ordbok i knäet för det var vad jag pluggade mest på den tiden, smaken av kaffet i pappersmugg på bussen mellan Sundsvall och Umeå.
 
 
 
Att fylla arton och komma in på läkarprogrammet. Att fylla nitton och få en dotter. Att fylla tjugo och just ha vunnit Lilla Augustpriset. Att fylla tjugoett och få en son. Att fylla tjugotvå och bli gravid igen. Att fylla tjugotre och köpa ett hus (och vara nattsvart stressad av bebissömnlöshet och ett examensarbete).
 
Att fylla tjugofyra och precis ha flyttat. Över enorma avstånd och ett hav.
Att tänka: det är svårt att rota sig om man rotrycker sig själv. Om man gräver upp sig och flyttar när man precis börjat fästa i jorden.
Att leta efter en ny riktning när man kommit fram till sitt gamla mål.
 
Att fylla tjugofem och börjat fästa i den nya jorden. Att fylla tjugofem och inte vara på väg någonstans över huvud taget.
 
Att börja förvalta, inte expandera.

Det svåra är inte att bygga ett imperium, utan att vidmakthålla det. Det är underhållet som kostar på.

 

 
Det finns något med allt som är mellan vändpunkterna, mellan bemärkelsedagarna, mellan de explosionsartade överraskningarna.
Mellan raderna, mellan fingrarna, mellan orden i bakhuvudet och på tungspetsen. I formuleringarna jag inte hittar.
 
Det finns något i tiden, den jag inte kan fånga, det finns något i berättelserna som aldrig hade innehåll nog att skrivas, det finns något i scenerna som bara skulle få komma med i en directors cut, något med alla detaljer som bara blir viktiga för att de var mitt liv.
Ingen rafflande story och ingen punkt på att-göra-listan utan bara ett liv.
 
Det är utanför de goda historiernas värld som verkligheten pågår.
 
Nu kör vi gasen i botten och tjugofem år till.
 
 

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25 kommentarer

  1. Grattis! Vill gärna få följa dina texter och tankar i minst 25 år till!

  2. Du skriver underbart. Och jovisst, ibland är det först i efterhand som man reflekterar över hur rötter som precis börjat fästa rycks upp igen. Grattis, i alla fall!

  3. Vad fint du skriver! Underbart inlägg.

  4. Så värdefullt att få läsa dina ord. Varje gång.

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