Ursystern och ursinnet

 
Kanske är det sista gången jag kan skriva om dig på det här sättet.
Du börjar bli för stor. Den här platsen är för liten. I något skede, och snart, måste dina berättelser få vara bara dina egna.
En nästan sexåring är så mycket en egen person, på väg bort från att vara det lilla barnet.

 

Du vandrar ifrån mig, bort till egna världar bortom min kontroll.
Och ändå är du min första lilla bebis, min största lilla bebis. För alltid och oavsett vad.

 

De kallar det lilla tonåren. Den här tiden, det här livet, i sexårsåldern. Jag vet, jag visste det redan innan vi kom hit. Jag har lyssnat på vartenda avsnitt av Kära barn-podcasten med Louise Hallin, med frågor och svar om barn och ungdomar. Jag lärde mig att sexårsåldern är en tid av explosionsartad utveckling, explosionsartade utbrott, explosionsartad vardag.
Jag gick in i det här som jag allra helst går in i saker: påläst och förberedd.
Men vad hjälper det när vi står där i hallen, min första bebis. När du är högröd i ansiktet och vild i blicken och väskan redan är packad. Du ska flytta till lekparken, säger du, du ska aldrig komma hem. För din mamma och pappa är de värsta någonsin i hela världen, i hela den här världen finns ingen som älskar dig.
För ni är DUMMISAR, säger du, och när du sagt det och tystnaden faller biter du dig i läppen, lite orolig, för kanske har du sagt det fulaste skällsord du över huvud taget kunde komma på.
Sedan öppnar du dörren.

 

Och sedan drar jag in dig i huset, och jag låser den, dörren.
Det är fördelen med lilla tonåren, jämfört med de stora.
Man kan hålla ungen kvar i huset och inom synhåll.

 

Du är på väg att växa i hjärnan så att du nästan spricker.
Ena stunden vill du hoppa från balkongen (fast imorgon, säger du efter att ha kikat på hur högt det är, imorgon ska jag hoppa, ja det ska jag). Andra stunden säger du snusförnuftigt Jag kan passa bebisarna, mamma och pappa, ni ser ut att behöva lägga er och vila en stund.
Du ligger på soffan och gråter för att du inte har några kompisar, sedan ringer det på dörren och du far kvittrande ut i villakvarterskvällen.
Du är rädd för monster under sängen, du vet tvärsäkert att inga monster finns. Att det är sådant som dummisar till mammor och pappor hittar på. 

 

Du längtar bort, du längtar hem, du längtar överallt på en och samma gång.

 

 

Och under all denna förvirrade ilska ser jag ju samma sak som alltid varit där.
Allt detta mjuka och varma och starka som är du.
Hur du kan gå fram till en förstagångspappa som förskräckt ser på sin skrikande ettåring i lekparken, le milt mot honom och säga Jag kan ta hand om det här, jag vet nog vad han vill. Hur du lockar med dig barnet till rutschkanan och får honom helt lugn.
Hur du blivit ursystern, urmodern, den största och första som dina syskon vänder sig till, som de litar mer på än sina egna föräldrar, som de kunnat följa blint vart som helst.
Hur du skaffar dig brokiga skaror av vänner, hjälper dem att lära känna varandra. Kompisar som är sinsemellan olika och där du blir deras gemensamma nämnare.

 

 

Första bebisen, nästan sexåringen. 
Du vet det inte när ursinnet och vansinnet rasar. Kanske vet jag det inte då heller.
Men under den där ilskan ligger allt som är du och gror. Det måste bara filtreras genom de här känslorna, komma ut mjukare och större på andra sidan.
Och utanför, på andra sidan, finns jag alltid kvar.

 
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23 kommentarer

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