Två

 

 
Kanske är du vår envisaste unge. Och ändå har dina syskon aldrig varit några veka viljor.
Du beordrar med blandning av vänliga skratt och mörka allvarsrösten med en attityd som om det vore en självklarhet att vi skulle lyda dig. Det är all pondus en tvååring har, förstås, och så lite extra till, den där kryddan som är du.
Du försöker lyfta andra barn för att flytta på dem när de stör din tillvaro, oftast är det din storebror. När du inte klarar det ser du uppfordrande på  mig och säger tungt!, drar i min hand och visar hur jag ska flytta honom istället.
 
Du föddes in i en familj där det redan fanns en tre-och-ett-halvtåring och en ett-och-ett-halvtåring och kanske är det just som du man blir då.
När man å ena sidan måste lära sig att höja sin röst för att höras.
Och å andra sidan alltid är minst, en bebis att gullas med, en unge att pysslas om.
Det är lätt att komma undan med saker när man är minst. Tro mig baby, jag vet.
 
 
Du anlände med dunder och brak och rubbade vår värld men själv var du lika orubbad som du skulle bli orubblig.
Stadigt stabil. Du är en robust sort.
Det var svårare att bli fem i familjen än vad vi trodde att det skulle bli. Det har varit så av tusen anledningar och ingenting av det har handlat om dig.
Och vad jag har kämpat för att se till att det aldrig ska behöva handla om dig.
Att när jag har varit sliten, när livet har varit för mycket, när någonting har behövt försakas, har jag aldrig låtit det vara du.
 
Du är den av mina bebisar som levt tätast inpå mig.Amningsstunder i bärsjalen medan jag skrev mitt examensarbete. Amningsstunder medan jag pluggade till min sista tenta. Amningsstunder i morgonmörkret innan jag gick till mina dagar på mitt livs första jobb som läkare.
 
 

Och ibland fanns det saker jag försakade.

Det där examensarbetet som inte blev så bra och den där krönikan som jag hafsade ihop på deadline och alla de där timmarna jag inte jourade och blev en skickligare läkare med blixtens fart.
 
Men nu, när livet börjar lätta lite.
När jag får tid att stanna upp och andas en stund.
Med dina händer i mitt hår, dina blå ögon med blicken stint fäst i min.
 
Då vet jag ju att det var värt det. All vånda och självbesvikelse.
Det var alltid värt det, bebis min.
För jag försakade aldrig dig.
 
Grattis på tvåårsdagen, bebis.
 
 
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22 kommentarer

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