Melankolikerna

 

Vår familj är byggd på två motpoler: melankoliker och solstrålar.
Melankolikerna är i minoritet. Det är jag och min son. Vi ser allt livets mörker med en gråtonad realism. En dag såg min son en bild på ett traktorhjul i en pekbok om fordon. Åh nej, kved han med sorg i blicken, sönder!
För ser man ett ensamt hjul, betyder det givetvis att någonstans kör en desperat traktor som bara har tre. 

När han var mindre, fortfarande sov om dagen, började han alltid gråta när han vaknade igen.
Herregud. Hur många morgnar hade man inte velat göra samma sak.

Solstrålarna skrattar sig genom dagarna. De vaknar med känslan av att livet är ett äventyr, skuttar ur sängen och rusar rakt mot det. Varje främling är en vän man ännu inte mött, varje dag en upptäcktsfärd i en vidunderlig verklighet.
En melankoliker frågar sig varje morgon: vad kommer jag egentligen att göra för den här världen.
Mina solstrålar frågar sig: vad kommer den här lustiga världen att göra för mig?

Jag är så glad idag, säger femåringen om morgnarna, glad glad!, ekar tvååringen och tjuter av skratt vid åsynen av sin storasyster.
Sonen betraktar dem med mörka ögon, pannan rynkad, ögonen tårade över någon oförrätt som vi andra inte ens förstår att vi begått.
Och sedan mjukar de upp honom. Så vackert det är när de mjukar upp honom. Att se hur även den mörkaste melankoliker kan smälta under solens värme.

Kanske är min känslighet och min ledsenhet samma sak, kanske är det därför jag ibland lyckas skriva något som berör.
Kanske är det helt separata fenomen – att det enda som skapat mitt skrivande är tiotusen timmar av fanatism och passion. Alla hundratusentals ord jag skrivit på alla platser jag befunnit mig. Baksätet i en bil i Sydeuropa, ett hotellrum i Beijing, biblioteket i Mariehamn med havsutsikten framför mig. Pennan mot pappret och fingrarna mot tangenterna, kanske var det den hängivenheten som lade grunden för allt jag skriver.
Inte alls min håglösa längtan. Inte suget efter någonting som känns, ångesten över när det känns för mycket.

Kanske är melankolin lika användbar som ett återkommande eksem.
Man lever igenom det, ibland bleknar det, ibland blossar det upp igen.
Allt som gör ont måste inte ha en funktion. Man kan leva igenom det ändå.

Vi har sådan tur, vi melankoliker i familjen. 
Min son, att han fick just sådana systrar. Som drar honom på äventyr. Fyller hans hem med nya vänner. Älskar honom med den kärlek de är så till brädden fyllda av att den svämmar över.
Jag, att jag fick just en sådan man.
Som kittlar mig under hakan när jag sitter med rynkad panna begravd i mina egna funderingar.
Kanske säger han: lighten up babe, varför så dyster? 
och kanske svarar jag men känner du inte bara ibland att det är så mörkt, så svårt, så ohanterligt komplicerat, bara det här med livet?
Och han plirar på mig några sekunder. Flinar tills skrattgroparna djupnar.
Brister ut i gapskratt, och säger:
”Nej. Aldrig någonsin.”

Föregående

Recap.

Nästa

Mellan fingrarna

47 kommentarer

  1. Jag tyckte särskilt mycket om den här texten! Hög ingenkänning för lilla mig, som så ofta förut. Hoppas ni alla, både solstrålar och melankoliker, har det bra. Hälsar en vän från förr.

    • Hoppas att du är vem jag tror du är, i så fall <3 483 på dig och väldigt mycket kärlek till dig. Tack för att du skrev. Och är du någon annan bekant från förr med ett lite missledande namn så inget <3 483 på dig men tack för att du skrev ändå.

  2. Så otroligt fint skrivet hörrdudu! <3

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