Tre år

 
Kanske talar jag om dig för sällan. 
Mitt andra decemberbarn, min älskade son. Du som för tre år sedan idag var en nyföding med livsfarligt långa naglar och en stor kalufs med hår, du som nu förvandlats till ett riktigt barn. En ansvarsfull storebror, en lyssnande ihärdig lillebror. Emellanåt en buse av rang.
 
Framförallt ett alldeles eget exemplar. Något excentriskt, tankfullt, med en inre värld som jag vet att jag fortfarande bara skrapar på ytan till. 
 
Sådant jag inte hittar orden för. Kanske talar jag mer sällan om dig än dina systrar, därför.
De roligaste sakerna du gör kommer inte som oneliners, en kort och kärnfull historia. De kommer som ett helhetspaket, i hela ditt varande. Man måste träffa D. för att förstå D., det är inget man kan greppa hur många detaljer jag än skulle kunna återge.
 
Som alla dina känslor, alla nyanser av dina känslor, de är många och all over the place och ibland för stora och avancerade för den lilla kroppen. Som att du kan bli kränkt, och sårad, och vara långsint, som om du vore tjugo år äldre.Hur du kan imitera andra (exempelvis din lillasyster) i ett skådespel som verkligen gör dig till vår lilla dramatiker.Hur du bygger ett konstverk av klossar och sedan slår sönder det för att i nästa sekund bygga ett nytt i helt andra riktningar och du är kung över dina klossar, dina konstruktioner, och ditt fokus då är oslagbart. Man blir avundsjuk på ditt flow bara av att betrakta dig.
 
 
Hur omöjlig du kan vara att väcka om du somnat på dagen och hur arg du blir när man försöker väcka dig då och hur lätt du somnar om, ungefär som din morbror brukade vara (som din morbror fortfarande är). Och jag betraktar ditt sömndruckna (och sårade) ansikte och överväldigas av hur mycket av mig som finns i dig.
 
Hur du spatserar – verkligen spankulerar – genom huset med händerna på ryggen som en liten gubbe medan du tänker.
Hur dina fingrar alltid fastnar i någons hår.
 
Hur omöjlig du är att fånga.
Du är summan av alla de där detaljerna och många fler, och ändå kan jag inte förklara dig i ett nötskal.
Det finns inget D. i ett nötskal, på det viset.
Det närmaste jag kommer är det här: du är så väldigt mycket som jag, tror jag. Fast ibland undrar jag om jag ens har någon aning.
 
Min treåring, stora pojken, grattis på födelsedagen.
Helt enkelt: jag talar om dig för sällan för att jag inte kan fånga dig i ord. Det är en märklig känsla för någon som ägnat hela sitt liv åt att skriva.
Du är en alldeles egen smak, ett veritabelt unikum, och på många sätt fortfarande ett mysterium.
Jag kan inte fånga din berättelse. 
Men vad jag längtar efter att höra dig berätta den själv.
 
 
 

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