Jag lever i otakt. Det har jag nog egentligen alltid gjord.
Som barn var jag alltid brådmogen. Det är ett bra ord, jag gillar det. Bråd, det är ju egentligen bara snabbt, bråd som i brådska, som i bråttom. Men det är något med klangen hos ordet. Bråd som i ond, bråd död.
Alltid mogen. Men med den onda bråda döden inslängd i det hela, så var det. Jag var allvarsam och rädd och osäker och intensiv och jag testade allt omkring mig och ville överallt på en och samma gång och jag kunde bli oerhört heligt förbannad. Det sades om mig av en dagisfröken att jag var så envis att trillar hon i bäcken, då flyter hon motströms.
Jag började skolan ett år tidigt fast jag fyller år i december. Var nästan två år yngre än vissa klasskamrater och kände mig alltid äldst. Fast på det bråda sättet. Som att vissa delar inte hann växa med. Och med något som jagade mig i bakhuvudet, en känsla av att jag helst hade velat få springa därifrån ännu snabbare.
Jag läste i en barnpsykologibok att man kan tänka på ”besvärliga” och temperamentsfulla barn som att det inte passar vissa barn att vara små. De passar inte i den här barnvärlden där man inte kan bestämma över sig själv, inte kommunicera, inte skapa sitt eget universum utan beroende av alla. Jag tänker att det inte passade mig att vara varken liten, lite större eller nästan vuxen. Jag tänker att det passar mig bättre att vara tjugotre år gammal än vad någon annan ålder har passat mig. Man behöver inte vara ledsen för att man är på väg att bli vuxen om man aldrig riktigt trivdes med att växa upp. Att var barn och tonåring och ung behöver inte vara den bästa tiden i ens liv. Allt är inte över och på väg utför om man aldrig uppskattade det.
Det kan finnas ro, också för den som hade bråttom.
Det finns chanser att växa ikapp sin egen hjärna.
När man nått det stadiet breder oceaner av lugn ut sig.
Jag har tre barn. Om ett halvår är jag färdig läkare. Jag har träffat så oändligt många människor på så märkliga platser i livet och jag förvaltar så oändligt många hemligheter som andra delgett mig. På det sättet är jag i otakt. Jag brukade tänka att det skulle jämna ut sig. När jag var yngre och omognare men också brådmognare. Att en dag skulle jag och mina jämnåriga plötsligt leva samma liv. För de skulle ju också skaffa barn, bara inte när de var nitton. De skulle ju också påbörja utbildningar, bara inte när andra av samma årskull inte ens tagit studenten.
Men jag har börjat förstå det nu. Att det inte kommer att bli så. Såklart.
När de börjar allt det där jag ska göra nu. Att ha små barn, gå ut på sitt första jobb efter utbildningen, köpa hus, allt det där man kan få göra när man växt upp om man vill. Då kommer det redan vara historia i mitt liv. Jag är redan på väg på nya äventyr som jag inte har någon aning om hur de ska se ut för jag följer ju tydligen inte den utstakade väg som andra gör.
Oändligt många gånger har jag önskat att jag bara kunna göra som alla andra gör.
Äntligen börjar jag acceptera att jag aldrig kommer att kunna det.
Och den här sången blir ljuvlig trots sin otakt.
0
22 Comments
I in addition to my pals ended up following the nice tips on your website and then I had an awful feeling I had not expressed respect to you for them. Most of the young boys were definitely absolutely warmed to learn them and have now simply been taking pleasure in those things. Appreciation for being simply kind and then for selecting such nice things most people are really eager to understand about. My sincere apologies for not expressing gratitude to earlier.
I discovered your blog web site on google and test a couple of of your early posts. Continue to keep up the excellent operate. I simply extra up your RSS feed to my MSN Information Reader. In search of ahead to studying more from you later on!?
I want to show my thanks to the writer just for bailing me out of this situation. As a result of looking out through the search engines and coming across principles that were not powerful, I assumed my entire life was done. Being alive without the presence of answers to the problems you have solved through your post is a critical case, as well as the kind that would have in a negative way damaged my career if I had not noticed your website. That expertise and kindness in controlling every part was priceless. I am not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t come upon such a step like this. I am able to at this time relish my future. Thank you very much for your high quality and result oriented help. I will not be reluctant to suggest your web blog to anybody who would like support about this problem.
I definitely wanted to post a message in order to say thanks to you for the fabulous items you are giving at this website. My incredibly long internet search has finally been paid with pleasant facts to go over with my colleagues. I would claim that many of us site visitors actually are definitely blessed to live in a superb network with very many brilliant professionals with very beneficial tips and hints. I feel extremely blessed to have encountered your entire website and look forward to many more entertaining moments reading here. Thanks a lot once again for a lot of things.
I needed to send you the little bit of note to be able to thank you so much once again on your splendid techniques you’ve documented in this case. This has been simply surprisingly open-handed with people like you to convey unhampered exactly what a lot of people could have offered for sale for an e-book to earn some cash for their own end, even more so considering that you could possibly have done it in the event you considered necessary. Those tips likewise worked as the easy way to comprehend the rest have the same eagerness like my own to figure out a good deal more on the subject of this issue. I’m certain there are thousands of more pleasurable periods in the future for individuals who browse through your site.
A lot of thanks for your whole effort on this site. Debby takes pleasure in conducting investigations and it’s obvious why. A lot of people hear all relating to the lively mode you present efficient strategies by means of this website and even attract response from visitors on the subject plus my daughter is now starting to learn so much. Have fun with the rest of the year. You are carrying out a great job.
I am only commenting to make you know what a wonderful discovery my wife’s princess encountered studying your web site. She learned lots of pieces, including what it is like to possess an amazing coaching heart to let many others really easily have an understanding of various tortuous subject matter. You undoubtedly did more than our desires. Thanks for rendering those essential, safe, explanatory not to mention fun tips about the topic to Evelyn.
I am just commenting to let you understand what a excellent discovery my princess gained visiting your blog. She noticed such a lot of details, which included what it is like to possess an incredible teaching mindset to get other folks easily know just exactly selected tricky matters. You really exceeded our desires. I appreciate you for providing the practical, trusted, explanatory and even unique thoughts on your topic to Ethel.
Needed to write you this tiny remark so as to say thank you the moment again for all the lovely methods you have shown above. This is certainly strangely open-handed with people like you to supply openly precisely what a number of people would’ve offered as an ebook in making some cash for themselves, even more so considering the fact that you might well have done it if you desired. These principles as well worked to provide a fantastic way to fully grasp that some people have similar eagerness just like my personal own to grasp whole lot more with reference to this matter. I know there are lots of more pleasant sessions up front for many who examine your blog post.
My husband and i have been really glad when Chris managed to complete his homework from your precious recommendations he gained when using the web page. It is now and again perplexing to just continually be giving away concepts which the rest might have been selling. And we all fully grasp we need you to be grateful to for this. Most of the explanations you’ve made, the easy website menu, the relationships you can aid to engender – it’s most exceptional, and it’s leading our son in addition to us reckon that this subject is pleasurable, which is exceedingly serious. Thanks for all the pieces!
I just wanted to make a simple message so as to express gratitude to you for all the pleasant tricks you are posting on this website. My extended internet look up has at the end of the day been honored with pleasant tips to share with my best friends. I would declare that most of us site visitors are unquestionably fortunate to be in a magnificent website with many marvellous individuals with beneficial methods. I feel extremely blessed to have come across your site and look forward to plenty of more brilliant times reading here. Thanks once again for all the details.
I have to express my affection for your generosity giving support to men and women who need help on your topic. Your very own commitment to getting the message along was incredibly effective and has usually empowered most people just like me to arrive at their endeavors. The important publication means a great deal to me and substantially more to my colleagues. Thanks a lot; from everyone of us.
I not to mention my friends ended up reading the excellent pointers on the blog and then then I had an awful suspicion I never expressed respect to the web site owner for those secrets. These men ended up absolutely warmed to learn them and now have surely been taking pleasure in those things. Thank you for being simply kind and for deciding on these kinds of nice issues millions of individuals are really needing to learn about. My very own honest apologies for not expressing appreciation to you earlier.
I must express my passion for your kind-heartedness giving support to those individuals that really want assistance with in this subject matter. Your personal dedication to passing the solution across had been extremely practical and have usually allowed somebody just like me to realize their dreams. Your amazing valuable useful information means this much to me and even more to my colleagues. Thank you; from everyone of us.
My wife and i were quite satisfied when Louis could deal with his investigation from the ideas he made in your blog. It’s not at all simplistic to simply happen to be releasing tips and hints which a number of people have been trying to sell. And now we acknowledge we have got the writer to appreciate because of that. These explanations you have made, the simple blog navigation, the friendships you can give support to foster – it’s everything astounding, and it’s facilitating our son in addition to our family understand this matter is pleasurable, and that is incredibly fundamental. Many thanks for everything!
I wanted to create you one very small word to help say thanks as before on your great strategies you’ve shared at this time. It’s incredibly open-handed with you to present easily all a few people could have sold as an electronic book to help with making some dough for their own end, most notably seeing that you might well have tried it in case you decided. Those tips additionally worked to be the easy way to realize that the rest have similar zeal similar to my very own to find out significantly more on the subject of this issue. I think there are a lot more enjoyable instances in the future for individuals who take a look at your blog.
Needed to send you one tiny note just to say thanks a lot the moment again on the wonderful secrets you’ve documented at this time. It has been so particularly generous with you in giving easily what many individuals might have distributed for an e-book to get some bucks for themselves, most importantly given that you could possibly have tried it in the event you considered necessary. Those ideas additionally served to become easy way to realize that most people have the identical passion just as my very own to know the truth whole lot more concerning this issue. I am sure there are lots of more pleasant periods ahead for people who go through your blog.
I have to show my love for your kind-heartedness for men who require help on this important concept. Your real commitment to passing the message across has been definitely effective and have in most cases allowed folks just like me to reach their objectives. Your amazing valuable advice entails a great deal to me and even further to my colleagues. Warm regards; from each one of us.
I as well as my guys were actually checking the great suggestions found on the website and so suddenly I got a horrible feeling I never expressed respect to the site owner for those secrets. The women ended up totally excited to study all of them and already have actually been enjoying them. Appreciation for truly being quite accommodating and then for opting for this kind of superb areas most people are really desperate to know about. My personal sincere apologies for not saying thanks to you earlier.
I precisely needed to thank you so much again. I do not know the things that I would have gone through in the absence of the type of strategies discussed by you relating to my field. This has been a real terrifying dilemma in my circumstances, nevertheless coming across the professional form you solved that made me to cry with joy. I’m grateful for your service and in addition sincerely hope you really know what a powerful job your are undertaking instructing the mediocre ones by way of your site. I am certain you haven’t come across any of us.
I am also commenting to make you know what a fantastic experience my wife’s child developed using the blog. She even learned too many details, which included what it’s like to possess an incredible coaching nature to have many people smoothly grasp a number of problematic subject areas. You actually surpassed visitors’ expected results. Many thanks for rendering those important, trusted, informative and cool tips about the topic to Jane.
I and my guys have been viewing the nice strategies found on your site and then all of a sudden came up with a horrible feeling I never thanked the blog owner for them. All of the young boys happened to be certainly warmed to see them and have in effect honestly been taking pleasure in them. I appreciate you for truly being very helpful and also for having varieties of cool useful guides most people are really desperate to understand about. Our own honest apologies for not expressing appreciation to you earlier.